What are you saying!

The words we use are important, and they mean something more than whatever it is you’re expressing. I care about how people are affected by my actions, which include the words I use every day, the words we all use every day with out thought, without being conscious of what the words we use are saying. See, I care about words; how they are used, what they really mean, where they come from. What are you really saying when you say ‘that’s retarded’ or ‘that’s so gay’? Let’s start with the latter; beyond potentially hurting whoever you have directed the comment at, you are implying there is something wrong with being gay, that it’s not something one should want to be, or seem to be, and you shouldn’t like anything that seems gay. The response to this might be ‘But that’s not what I meant!’ but that is what your words meant, that is the message you are sending when you use the word gay in a negative derogatory fashion. When you put someone else down by calling them a fag or a dyke, saying they are gay, or making a gay joke.The words you use, they reflect who you are, and how you think, they are what you are putting out in the world. The next time you want to voice your disapproval for something a friend does, consider the words you choose to express your disapproval, and consider not insulting and demeaning anyone who happens to have a preference for the same sex.

(I'd appreciate comments on this, I'd eventually like to submit it to some publication as an opinion piece, or someting like that...eventually. Thanks!)

one line. I meant to post this Friday.

A scrap of his secret dream flashed across his face, in a quickly erased smile.

Silenced

A shipwreck on the sands
I'm falling apart a bit more with every crash
of the waves upon the shore
already broken but intact enough to keep breaking

This week long breakdown
isn't constructive
isn't helpful
these tears aren't healing
aren't soothing
they are just angry and frustrated
hot salty waste of time and energy

These words
I don't know what else to do
what other escape I can take
what other release is allowed myself
because I have no one
and the people I'm with are just making me feel
so much
more alone

I feel better outside in the cold
warmer and more whole
than inside with their eyes and their constructive criticisms
comments about my passion and aggressiveness in issues I care about
well I'm sorry but I was never
lead to believe there was anything wrong with that

I must be mistaken

but these issues matter so why shouldn't I voice my opinion
these things need to be said and need to be heard
so why isn't the public the perfect venue

right now I feel trapped
and silenced
trapped in this house and silenced in my head

I really really really don't
want to cause anyone pain or harm of any kind
but I don't think these thoughts should be silenced


(alternate title; what does it mean when all the valentines you get make reference to your passion and enthusiasm in conversations about issues you care about)

space

Though this isn't home
I feel as if I might not have
a home to come back to

Surrounded by sky I've never felt
so complete, completely alone and
completely myself,
here with no skyline telling
me where to go or how far I can reach

It's been too long and
I don't know if I can go
back to what used to be
a me-sized space.


(I realize this still needs work, but I wanted to share, I miss our meetings!)

Alberta winds (my physical synonym)

I am still alive,
lights still shine from my eyes,
glimmers of hope glint in my smile,
though lately I've been tired, bone-dead and tongue-tied
something about the winter but
that's just an an excuse
that doesn't hold water 'cause
last time it was something about the autumn,
but the cold freezes my jaw
and seeps into every fibre
and the cold is my all too concrete metaphor
for being

this
lonely.

(This is an incredibly late testament to my state of being alive. Katimavik is crazy busy. Comments are always appreciated. All my love fellow heart-raped writers! I miss you.)

Riot (slowly being rewritten)

Destroy break smash
Just to be a vandal
Punch kick shatter
Didn’t know I possessed
Such a destructive anger
That inside I housed a
Desperate vicious animal
I just want to exterminate this creature

This rage is
At odds with
My usual demeanor
My fingers are itching but
I refuse to recognise
Myself, though these words are mine
This is not who I am
I just want to exterminate this creature

forgetting

You’ll forget me
Like the colours of the autumn leaves
Like the smell of the rain and
The sound of wind through the trees

You’ll forget me
With the change of season
Change of pace and scenery
You won’t notice I’m missing

But that cold winter's day
When you’re wishing for sunshowers
You’ll think of those days spent together
And that’s when you’ll remember me

Implied

Your back
Faces me
Like the backs of chairs
In a schoolroom

I wait
(Not wanting to ask)
For your attention
I appreciate your discretion
Obviously
But
You could have worked on subtlety

I wanted—
But you must know
The feelings
You provoke

Your back faces me
Like a blank wall
I know my departing shadow
Won't make an impact

As if (alternate title Not Crack)

I crave your ears
I crave your silence
The sounds of my words
Blathering on
As if you all care

I crave your voices
I crave your reaction
Those vibrations in my direction
Validation or token of some affection
As if you all care

I crave your eyes
I crave the attention
Your gaze means I’m not for the moment
Invisible, I’m temporarily important
As if you all care

I crave your skin
I crave the connection
Your touch confirms my existence
Something more than thoughts and talk
As if you all care

Steel

It glints from my eyes and strengthens my spine
You can’t break me or shake me or put me in line
As icy as your glare is it has no effect
We can’t change the past so I have no regrets
The cold doesn’t move me; the chill won’t reach my bones
You're wrong if you think I stand alone
So keep throwing punches, I’ll keep sidestepping your blows
Eventually you’ll get the message and go

blissful listening & like sand... (title suggestions welcome)

Like clear mountain air, crisp and refreshing
I breathe in your music
And it brings me this feeling (however brief) of peacefulness

Like small waves on a calm day
The music gently washes over me
And it makes me feel cleansed for an instant

Like your arms tightly wrapped around me
Your music brings me closer to you
And I’m comforted for a moment by the sounds of your guitar.

But most of all like soft summer rain
It pours down on me, around me
And I want to feel nothing, but the rain on my skin, (and hear nothing but this music)



like sand

I wash you off my skin (out of my hair)
I shake you out of my clothes
I sweep you out of my room

I write you out of my head
I’m removing you from my life
I just wish I could rid you from my heart

——

Like sand,
abrasive,
but soft as you slip through
my splayed fingers

you’re impossible,
impossible like sand

some small pieces (late I know)

Initial collision

We were better friends
Before I
Knew you
We were better friends
When we
First met
Not sure what has
Happened since then
After the initial collision
We drifted apart
Closest at impact
And then travelling away
In opposite directions


Panic Time

As deadlines
keep appearing
And piling up
I can’t procrastinate fast enough

And when you need time to go slowly
It always races
Leaves you scrambling for last minutes
And lost seconds as you wonder where
The hours went

The timepiece on the wall
Must be speeding
When I blink an hour flashes by
Like a shooting star it’s gone
And I’m left racing against
The grandfather clock
Whose hands won’t stop
And I’m certain they sped up.

I left the better one of the two I had posted

Storm's 'a 'comin

Storm clouds are gathering
Furiously above my
Aching head
Don’t
Disturb me
Today is
Not
The day
To mess
The air is electric with
The promise of
Lightning
And heavy with the threat of
Rain
Thunder has begun rolling in from a distance
And I am longing for
The storm to commence
Because I can’t deal with the stress of
These storm clouds
Hanging
Above my head

Puzzles

Sorry I don't fit
into the puzzle piece space
you've assigned
me to

My corners and rough edges
won't line up and
my loud colours
won't blend in

I won't be sorted into
a group of
the same sizes or shapes,
because
I am not a puzzle piece
for you to place

I'm sorry I don't fit in
your neat puzzle life
sorry I can't be that piece
you have space for
but it's just not what I am,
I can't help that.

(I'm not a piece of the puzzle of your life)


PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE COMMENT!

just another raindrop

and I’m just another raindrop
in the storm
raging it out in your
ravaged soul
just another branch
ripped from the damaged trees in
the forests of your heart
just another shadow
chasing your receding figure
just another dream you won’t remember
just another friend that you’ll forget

but the rain will haunt you
when the sky is heavy
and the trees will whisper among themselves
as you pass under
and the light will flicker, and waver
when you dance by carelessly
your dreams will echo
in the recesses of your mind
like a song almost remembered
and deep down somewhere you’ll know
that you’ll always find
a friend in me

cliffs and skiffs

I’m crashing upon your walls over and over
Like the ceaseless ocean waves
I’m being swept away and swept back
By the currents of conversations
And the undertow of insecurity
Your walls are as unyielding
As the cold cold stone
These rock faces are made of
Your gaze just as impenetrable
(face just as unreadable)
As these granite crags
You are as out of my reach as
The top of these cliffs
Who never feel the salty sea spray

I’m crashing and falling
And pulling away
Pulling together my strength
for another attempt (attack)
And one day I’ll bring some of you back
Down with me into the churning waters
Back with me out to sea


(please forgive me another poem that has to do with sea imagery I really can't help it...)

that girl

I’m not that girl
even if you say I am
I’m not defined
by any of your words
or any of your lies

I’m not that girl
you seem to believe I am
I don’t know who you met
or when you met her
but it wasn’t me

I’m not that girl
you won’t see me crying
not one to run home and hide
I fight my own battles and
I win every time

It's not enough...it never will be

It's not enough
what more can I give
when I’ve given
heart and soul and body.
what more can I lose
when I’ve lost all
shame and reason and sanity.
what else can I feel
(after love, scorned,)
but hate regret remorse.
what more can I say
I love you
I loved you
but I never had a chance
never had a choice…

It never will be
it never will be me
that you look at
with those sea-blue eyes
it never will be enough
just
being friends
it never will be anything
whatever I do
I can’t make you love me

alcamabooze and heartraped

Have to watch myself,
watch my step and,
my next sip, of
tongue-loosening alcohol
watch that I don't slip
up
reveal too much
skin or
soul

watch that I don't become someone else
watch that I don't let it show
watch that I don't let it out
watch that I keep your secrets
to myself

have to watch myself
'cause you aren't looking out for me (anymore)
you never were, and
I have have to watch my stupid heart
so that it doesn't
sneak onto my sleeve
have to watch my mouth
(so it doesn't taste something it shouldn't)
so I don't have to eat my words (tomorrow)

have to watch myself
so that I don't watch you


Heartraped
We are the heartraped
we've loved and lost and taken
leaps of faith and fallen
We've been battered, bruised and betrayed,
amused, abused, amassing
bad karma, cosmic balance (on the beam)
laughed and languished, lamenting
who, wherefore, and how
we've scribbled scrawled and spewed
words, wasting white pages
relishing black thoughts
we've doodled and dreamt and descended
from lofty articulations
to low emanations
actualities of our (base) minds and hearts

(We are loud literature students
talking about poetry and sex,
literature and lust)

Night train (OR The night is nocturnal)

I watch the night race by
on calloused feet
streetlight eyes
lit up
she leaves cars and
trains full of
tired commuters
in her wake
I watch the sleeping sky
slowly open
millions of starry eyes
and throw her blanket off,
so the darkness falls
over the city