It glints from my eyes and strengthens my spine
You can’t break me or shake me or put me in line
As icy as your glare is it has no effect
We can’t change the past so I have no regrets
The cold doesn’t move me; the chill won’t reach my bones
You're wrong if you think I stand alone
So keep throwing punches, I’ll keep sidestepping your blows
Eventually you’ll get the message and go
4 comments:
I usually find poems that rhyme kind of baby-ish, but I really like how this one came through. Its not your usual type of poetry, and I like it partially because of that fact. The only problem I have with the piece is the last line. I don't like how go is your last word in the piece. I think you need a stronger word to end it.
I don't usually like poetry that rhymes, it always seems a bit forced. This one admittedly has a nice tempo to it, but I think it's the idea of it that turns me off. Maybe it should have been darker. I agree with Davina above with the final line. It doesn't quite deliver the strong blow I feel the entire thing needs.
Thank you Davina and Tabia,
I wanted something stronger for the last line, but I couldn't find it. I did work on and edit this piece.
Tabia, what do you mean the idea of it turns you off, the idea of rythming? or the idea of this piece?
the last line admittedly would be stronger if it was
"eventually you'll get the message and fuck off!"
but that didnt have quite the same ring to it, and it didn't rythme...
thoughts?
suggestions for the last line?
I think breaking out of the rhyme at the last line would be effective. It would sting a little more.
The first line conflicts with the rest of the poem. From what I understood overall is that you are steel. You are tough metal. The first line says "it" and (whether you're speaking of the light or steel) changes to I or you. It just jarred me a little.
I am not much of a fan of the rhyming poetry, but to help, I pretended it was a rap song and I was in grade 9.
In that mindset, I picked up on a few words that mess with the rhythm and may have made me skip a track.
"One can't change the past..."
I think 'I' would be better suited here. Or 'We'. 'One' doesn't fit for me
"The cold doesn't scare me" made me think of a child trying to be brave, but ultimately is scared. I think this takes away from the end. "I'm not afraid of the cold/frost/wind" would be my approach on that.
I liked "The chill won't reach my bones" It conveys discipline and stiffens the ending. Great.
"Contrary to appearances," I really really really didn't like that line at all. It's the whole "contrary to" thing. It feels very business like and overall pushed me away from the poem. I had to read it again and skip the line to continue reading (yes, I'm sorry for being harsh)
The punches and sidestepping is good, but I suggest going with "evading" your blows.
the last line worked with the rhyme, I had no issue with it.
But you could break from the rhyme and/or rhythm and it would sting a little more.
The idea was good, the allegorical comparison (given off by the title) was good to work with. I think this needs polishing, but overall it was alright.
Post a Comment