Destroy break smash
Just to be a vandal
Punch kick shatter
Didn’t know I possessed
Such a destructive anger
That inside I housed a
Desperate vicious animal
I just want to exterminate this creature
This rage is
At odds with
My usual demeanor
My fingers are itching but
I refuse to recognise
Myself, though these words are mine
This is not who I am
I just want to exterminate this creature
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4 comments:
There was an interesting flow throughout this, but I have to say otherwise I am uncertain about it. I think what bothered me is that it's not understated enough, like you're too blatant about what you're trying to say but the emotion itself has been fairly overused. If you were to add some specificity, like set the poem within a specific narrative and add some concrete details, it wouldn't be floating in abstraction as much and the reader would have more to relate to. For example, why is the speaker/you feeling this way, what triggered it, what could be done to "expel this demon" without saying you want to do so. There needs to be a bit more of a trust relationship between the speaker and the reader because right now it sounds like that melodramatic friend who you're trying to comfort but all they do is tell you how they feel and when you ask why they tell you they can't tell you :P so yes, I don't know if you've had any of those, but it can get frustrating after a while.
Also the last stanza where it's just listing off the same thing said in different ways was a bit weak in my opinion. My recommendation would be that you choose your favourite line, or ditch the whole thing completely, and rework the rawness into something a bit more polished.
The second stanza was interesting and the sentiment that I think could be worked on the most as taking over the undertone of the poem, but again I think it should be rewritten to become subtler.
Thank you Marta; I was uncertain about it too and really hoping for feedback so thank you! I was playing with the ex sound in the last stanza, it happened by accident at first, and I liked the repetiveness of the sounds, but it's true that what I was saying had become overly repetive as well.
I know exactly what you mean about the melodramatic friend, I'll think about a narrative I could add...really I wanted to just express this overwhelming irrational feeling, so there isn't really a reason, there is just this senseless anger that needs release.
I will try to rework it so it's less blatant and overstated...
it's funny because as you were commenting i was editing it and when i viewed post i also saw your comment.
well i am glad to have been of assistance! :) and actually the sound of ex is really interesting - you could work with the sounds being grating and harsh in your poem and use that as part of the narrative, or just rework it so it shows that raw primitive emotion coursing through the lines of your piece. if you can, maybe check out christian bok's eunoia chapter u - there's a lot of angry guttural sounds there that in addition to the "ex" could be kind of cool to integrate. anyway, just ideas!
DAYUM!
Marta stole my comment, and now I can't even compete lol!
The first three lines worked best for me, the way the speaker suddenly crashes onto the page in anger. And I like the idea of an animal inside...I recently read Life of Pi for a class and it made me think of Richard Parker being an analog for Pi's predatory and violent side. The "x" sounds worked really well too.
Can't wait to see the edited version! I find that's something we don't see a lot on the blog...we see the first piece and never the edited one!
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