Initial collision
We were better friends
Before I
Knew you
We were better friends
When we
First met
Not sure what has
Happened since then
After the initial collision
We drifted apart
Closest at impact
And then travelling away
In opposite directions
Panic Time
As deadlines
keep appearing
And piling up
I can’t procrastinate fast enough
And when you need time to go slowly
It always races
Leaves you scrambling for last minutes
And lost seconds as you wonder where
The hours went
The timepiece on the wall
Must be speeding
When I blink an hour flashes by
Like a shooting star it’s gone
And I’m left racing against
The grandfather clock
Whose hands won’t stop
And I’m certain they sped up.
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2 comments:
I can say I liked "Appreciation" and "Panic Time" all that much. "Appreciation", especially, I found kind of cliché, not especially illuminating. The flow of the lines was kind of weird, I had difficulty finding a rhythm.
I really really liked "Initial collision", however. Love the alternating long/short lines at the beginning, love the very quick, cut lines, and I really like the image of the two people wanting to be together but forced apart after the shock of togetherness. It made me think of pumper cars. It was great.
Although I like the title, unfortunately I think another one would be better because it kind of states the exact same thing as what's in the poem. Maybe just "Initial Collision", or simply "Collision would be better. Or something abstract, like "Bumper Cars"!!
So yeah, this is one of my favorite of yours.
I agree with Charles, "Initial collision was as close as we’d ever get" was the best of the three. I think what made like this poem the best is that the way it *felt* conveyed the story of the poem just as much as the words did. The way the long and short lines are interspersed at the beginning made me think of two things floating in space, slowly coming together, then they bump into each other and have that kind of quick rebound before floating away again...I like how the lines get longer toward the end of the poem because it emulated that sense of floating away.
Whereas in the other two poems, you offer a lot of thoughts and images, but they seem kind of disconnected from the poem itself, which makes it feel more like you're telling me your thoughts. I think maybe what I mean is that it isn't "sensual" enough? You have good visual images ("Like a shooting star it’s gone"), but I don't *feel* time moving. I want to feel the world surrounding these thoughts :)
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