[I wrote this for a poetry workshop assignment. The challenge was to take a previously written poem and rewrite it from your experience today. The rewrite had to be to the tune of a popular song, using the same rhyme scheme, rhythm, chorus pattern and everything. I chose to rewrite BLAM. (from HeartRape!) to the tune of "The Needle and the Damage Done" by Neil Young. Thanks Bruno for the song suggestion!]
The chair still rocking
By the fireplace
A stunned expression
On your cold white face
Ooh, ooh, what have I done?
You were my blood and
Now you’re on my hands,
I took the money
From the coffee can
Run, run from what I’ve done
Red thumbprints on
These dirty dollar bills
I wander dark
And lonely desert hills
Sell love
To get out of this town
Can’t leave behind the
Dirty deeds I’ve done
From up behind me, bloody footprints come
My downturned eyes are
Like a smoking gun.
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2 comments:
Andrea, I really love this! I love how very very dark the poem is, with its faintly threatening aura, and yet in performance you make it really soft and meditative. The contrast is just fantastic. What's interesting is that both these tones are entirely different from the one you used in the original poem, "Blam.", so it just goes to show how much you can pull out of one idea!
In terms of craft, I love lots of bits here, like the image of chair still rocking in the beginning and the alliterations on "d" in the third stanza. The aesthetics are quite consistent throughout, but where I find the language sags a little is in the final stanza... "dirty deeds," "bloody footprints," and "smoking gun" sound a little like (will I dare use the C word?) clichés (oh dear, I have). Maybe it's only because you've gotten the reader used to much more creative associations before, but these sound sort of trite in comparison, which is a shame.
Otherwise I love this, I really do!
CSMC. Love the softness of the song compared to the content. The sound adds a layer of meaning that the words alone didn't/couldn't achieve, so I think that in and of itself indicates its success as a set of lyrics. While I'd have to agree on the "dirty deeds" line, I really loved the line "From up behind me, bloody footprints come". There was something about that image that I just thought worked, particularly for leading to the conclusion of the piece.
The last two lines didn't work for me rhythmically. Even though I absolutely adore them (just a fantastic simile), in order to work with the meter and stresses they should be tweaked.
Also maybe this is just me being picky - from the beginning, if the chair is still rocking, I get the image in mind that the speaker murdered the "you" rather recently. So the "cold white face" sort of clashes with that image. But if you wanted it to be more metaphorical then that works.
Really loved the lines "I wander dark / And lonely desert hills". I think it was the use of the word "hills". You expect "dunes", but it's such a great and unexpected noun this way.
Anyway great job! I think this turned out absolutely fantastically :D
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