[I have added the last two parts to this poem. The song lyrics are not mine. Please tell me what you think.]
We drove here in your mother's station wagon,
listening to the old mix tapes
I had sent you, once, in the mail.
You sang along absentmindedly
as you counted raindrops on the window.
Forgotten words came floating up
with two strums
or a snare.
You traced the fleeing rain, and sang:
Someone told me long ago
There's a calm before the storm
I know
It's been coming for some time
The road was but a crumbled path,
Pine trees whispered through the windows.
I glanced at your neck;
it was smooth as fresh fallen snow,
but your cheek was trampled, worn.
Water had eroded your landscape.
The roads were frozen as we drove to Juneau, Alaska.
II.
“It’s nice,” you said, overlooking
The tumultuous black sea.
The dark iron hulls of ships
Appeared through the fog, like
a bad memory; a secret. I held your loose
cold hand.
The inn was warm, close. When the
keeper smiled at us you briskly signed your name,
then took the luggage. I asked for some wine,
and followed you to our room.
You had unpacked your bag. You turned your bare
back to me, saying, “Help me,”
and I zipped your blue dress,
smelling your hair.
My hands rested on your shoulders,
And you gripped with all your fingers.
III.
We lie naked side by side on the bed because
the bear skin revolted you when I proposed
we make love on it;
Yet even on proper sheets,
you remain revolted.
The town is sleeping. It is blinding midnight.
You stand up and pull the curtains aside,
exposing your breast to the empty town.
“There’s something I need to tell you,” you say,
watching dogs sniff snowmobiles,
but say nothing. Snowflakes dance past
your face, mottle your white skin.
Your naked figure is frozen in place.
“Don’t,” I say.
“Please don’t.”
5 comments:
wow. Andrea this is great. thanks for sharing, i really liked this, it flows so well.
Thanks Emlyn! I like to think of this poem emulating the movements of water - in the first part there is more flow, a constant and unalterable movement towards something inevitable, and a focus on the wear and tear of this movement.
The second part is more about constrained, chaotic motion. There is a lot of frustration caught under the surface of things; things have been stoppered up and trapped in this small space (the room, between two people).
The last part is about becoming static. The water has frozen into snow. Something has metamorphosed, feelings are solidified. There's also a heavy quietness and barrenness.
Oh, and also the physical states of water - liquid, solid - kind of reflect the malleability of the relationship. At the beginning there is still hope for change, of remolding the relationship into what these characters wanted it to be, or wish it could be like again, but at the same time it is blowing away in the wind.
By the end, the water blowing in the wind has become snowflakes - separate, solid entities. There's a loss of togetherness at that point. A lot more isolation. They've broken off into their own pieces.
(1/2)
Wow okay this is really great. I don't even know where to begin!
There is such a lovely rhythm to this poem, a slow, steady rocking, like that of a car on a long drive, or watching the waves on a rainy day. It ebbs and flows, and mirrors the relationship of this couple, as though they're watching their passion recede with the tides. There is the obvious tension of them not really wanting to admit to one another - or to themselves - that it's over, and yet the grudging acknowledgement that they know each of them knows.
I love the way the water imagery is a metaphor for their relationship. The raindrops in the beginning show their relationship as a fractured unit, multiple parts split into moments that "flee" (great verb choice). It's a wonderful way to introduce the characters and the message of the poem in a single image.
Then, as if that image were just the tip of the iceberg, the water transforms into the entire ocean. I'm not to sure how I feel about the description "tumultuous black sea" - tumultuous seems a bit overused and loses its poignancy - but the upgrade of water imagery into a sea is a great transition. The middle stanza is all about starting to face their problems as there is a movement towards intimacy. Hence (yay pretentious words ^ ^ ) the wife looking over the churning and troubled sea can be seen as a metaphor for her surveying the issues she and her husband have face-on. And yet at the same time, that sea is shrouded in fog (also a gorgeous image), so her reflection on their life together can only go so far. The failure of their relationship is inevitable; it's all a matter of who speaks first.
In the last part - possibly my favourite in many ways - the water imagery takes on a new form. Mirroring the raindrops from the beginning, snow begins to fall. This time, the water has completely frozen over. There is no way to save them, they are both too frigid. I love how the wife takes on that watery frozen form as well when the speaker looks at her (your naked body is frozen in place). Although it is never explicitly said, I took this to indicate that she is also the primary reason for the failure in their relationship. Either that, or because she was the first one to speak and break it off, she is seen as the one who has officially disengaged from, and thereby broken, their marital vows.
(2/2)
Aside from water imagery (I realize I've ranted on about that quite a bit now :P), I loved so many lines it's difficult to list them all. I'll put a few though:
"your cheek was trampled, worn" (great imagery)
"The roads were frozen as we drove to Juneau /
Alaska" (understated line, but it carries a huge amount of significance. Also just love the way it sounds).
"The dark iron hulls of ships / Appeared through the fog, like / a bad memory" (wonderful simile)
The whole first stanza of the part III (fucking awesome!)
and "watching dogs sniff snowmobiles" (fantastic specific detail that just works so well)
The one thing that I don't know how I feel about would be the last two lines, for a couple of reasons. Although the speaker wasn't exactly passive in the poem (having dressed her and smelled her hair and suggested they make love), I still felt like he shouldn't/wouldn't have said those words. The tone is about the vagueness of their relationship, and "Please don't" is such an assertive thing to say that I found it stood out because it didn't feel authentic. Secondly, it didn't feel necessary. The previous lines set up the fact that their relationship was officially over, regardless of his reaction to her words. Having them as last lines then just felt a bit redundant. Last, it confused the message in my opinion. From these last lines, it sounds like he wants to preserve their relationship and doesn't want her to end it, but (at least how I understood the poem), I felt like it should be more of a "please don't say it because I don't need you to finalize it, we both know" kind of line.
Anyway, I think if it just leaves on that note, or the speaker nods in acceptance or something it would be equally strong.
Alright so this is a pretty long comment now... :P In short: Loved it!! I think this is my favourite poem of yours, and right up there in my favourite pieces of your writing as a whole.
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