I'm just posting this casually. Comment if you want, I'm not expecting any. It's in the same vein as "The Bus to Sofia", I always go back to the backpacking for some reason, it must be a metaphor for life.
Moving from one interlocutor to another, from one drink to another, drunker and drunker, Will is on a rooftop terrace in the old part of Istanbul contemplating the remains of past Empires, destroyed or forgotten, lies and whispers in their wake like trails of dust, scattered pieces of history you can sometimes feel in the hot bosphorus breeze, heavy with the smell of ages, the thick scent of sweat and centuries, the toil of men, warm blood. Above him, above them, is the dark grey dome of urban night, infinitely open, distant, extending out on all sides, and yet close, so close you feel you can extend your hand and graze its soft, suede-like inside with the tip of your fingers. It provides them with a sensation of intimacy, encloses all these youths on their roof, envelops their intricate social mess with exotic elegance, a dull tapestry of blurred sky.
Will breathes in the seasick breeze, lungs extending out to catch the oxygen, coughs out city pollution and water-pipe smoke, swallows long, tepid drafts of weak beer. He is content enough. The conversations around him seem dimmed out and caricatured: stories prolonged beyond their climaxes, opinions too vehemently defended to be heartfelt, drunken slurs of joy or dismay. It all rings out so clear and joyful, at first, then falls dreadfully flat.
Will washes up on a sofa like a drunken sailor staggers into a brothel.
Kathy joins him.
Kathy is Paul’s boyfriend.
Paul is Will’s best friend.
Paul is not in Istanbul.
Kathy, blissfully inebriated, ushers Will closer and spreads her fingers through his ruffled, blond hair. Will feels a telling tightness in his briefs. In a tantalizing what-if mind play he imagines Kathy naked underneath him, against him. He sees himself and feels himself inside her, knows he wants to have sex with her, now knows he will as Kathy’s hands wraps around his neck and pulls his face towards hers. Their noses bump lightly, their mouths collide. Kathy’s mouth is hot, deep and wet, which makes Will aware of his, dry and pasty. Their tongues meet, slop against each other lazily like saluting slugs, retract into their respective caves. The mouths separate (he can almost hear the smack) and thick air floods back into Will’s throat.
Kathy’s eyes are smoldering.
“Will, where are we?”
“We’re on a rooftop, Kathy.”
“What the hell are we doing on a rooftop in this godforsaken place?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Keep me company will you.”
He doesn’t say it, but he thinks: yes. Yes I will keep you company I am here I am there for you do with me all you want I am taunt like a bow pull me play me play with me I don’t care do what you want with me yes yes.
She draws him to her again.
7 comments:
What I liked most about this were the run on descriptions (in the first few paragraphs). You've always had a knack for descriptions and really taking the reader where the story is.
"Will breathes in the seasick breeze, lungs extending out to catch the oxygen," is my favourite line from this piece.
The whole separation thing "Kathy is Paul's girlfriend, Kathy's here, Paul is not..."
That was really good. It really gave a 'nutshell' feel to it.
I'm not sure if you're continuing this or not, but I'd like to see consequence or what they decide to do (keep the secret or tell Paul).
<3
I loved the first paragraph, some really exquisite descriptions like "scattered pieces of history you can sometimes feel in the hot bosphorus breeze" and calling the night sky suede-like. I could feel the descriptions.
I also love "Will washes up on a sofa like a drunken sailor" (of course I would)
I second Mike about the nutshell feeling.
I don't like the last three sentences though, I found they broke the flow of the piece, the spell.
I'm glad you posted Charles, (even though I don't always comment) I enjoy reading your stories. Also I refuse to believe heartrape is dead, and those who want to can keep it alive.
M&ESMC
The run-on sentences in this piece work excellently, especially in the first paragraph, where it makes everything feel so languid yet ever-expanding. In one sentence i felt like I was swooping through the timeline. "lies and whispers in their wake like trails of dust" - brilliant description! And I really love the concluding line of the first paragraph, it's so well put...then you dive right into that "intricate social mess," really smooth without losing that sense of elegance.
I find it lasts for the first half of the second paragraph or so, up until the line, "Will washes up on a sofa like a drunken sailor staggers into a brothel." I absolutely love that line!! It was the pinnacle of this piece, smack dab in the middle. I found that immediately after that, things became a lot more rushed. You drop all your metaphors (excepting the slugs, which I really liked) and went straight to the steamy stuff, which, though in typical Charles fashion, I found to be, in this case, (an excess of commas...) a bit gratuitous and sudden.
I think the suddenness of it could work really well, since it mirrors the rashness of will's actions, the story were a bit longer. It's a very elegant piece about raging sex parties in Europe, except it stops at the raging sex party before Will can redeem himself. He just slipped into a drunken dream, and I'm waiting for him to wake up beside Kathy and think, "Oh fuck." I have to agree with Emlyn that the last few lines seemed out of place. He seemed less like a drunk horn dog and more like a love-obsessed teen drooling behind a pair of binoculars.
But, as you said, this is a casual piece, so I won't knock it too hard. I would love to see this continued and as an incomplete work I really love it! 10/10!
Thanks for the comments, guys! Much appreciated. I'll see what I can do about the sudden contrast between languid, run on sentences and the more direct, sexy latter. Maybe a slower pace throughout would be more consistent with the drunken, dreamlike state I set up at the beginning...
I am casually (notice the constant repetition of this word so no one takes any of this too seriously and starts being dramatic) continuing this piece whenever I have time, so I should be posting some more at a later date (notice how vague I am against time constraints, again, to stay away from the anxiety caused by obligation and peer pressure).
I really want to see you all before I leave for England!
*gasp!* You're going to England?? Charles, I envy your European adventures. When are you going? You're going to have so much fun!
You can "casually" edit this on the plane. Wink wink! lol
Yup, I'm doing two semesters in Bristol! I leave on September 28th...
This is really great! Pretty much they all said what I wanted to say, so I'll just add that you've got such a feeling of loneliness in all these travel pieces that's really interesting and that I think works really well. Particularly because it's always a different level of loneliness - on the Bus to Sofia piece, it was a loneliness kind of held at bay in the midst of worry and trying not to let it get to the narrator, very subtle. Here it's much more obvious but it works well like that.
I like the way the narrative, brief as it is, unfolds indirectly. You introduce bits of information slowly, as though literally building the story brick by metaphorical brick, first only realizing that he's drunk, then when he exhales there's not only the city pollution but the water-pipe smoke too, and then Kathy is described as being there, then their relationship, then their actions. It's really interesting and done extremely well because it keeps readers interested and propelled forward, almost inevitably, like Will and Kathy.
So yes, great piece of flash fiction!
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