I'll butcher a lamb in the hallway,
A lamb sent up to my lord.
My arms outstretched towards Him,
My hands holding intestines,
I paint my skin.
"I am inside you,"
I shout to the Heavens,
"I'll take it from here."
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3 comments:
this is intense mike... sacrifice, too short for me to make any constructive criticism
Ok, the first few times I read this last week, it didn't make any sense to me at all. Now I kind of like the random insanity of it, the way the speaker is totally nuts and God is so straightforward. Overall, though, it's so short that I don't really know what you're trying to say or what's going on...the way the verb tenses change is a bit weird too. But the thing that bugs me the most is that "lord" is not capitalized (I guess I'm just anal like that lol).
There definitely needs to be more. Especially because you play with the idea of him holding intestines, a part of the body which contains consumed items, which is then followed by him saying "I am inside you", I think you should elaborate more on that, as well as the horrific macabre of it.
The line "I'll take it from here" confused me and I really don't know what to think of it.
Also, the use of the word "hallway" bothers me. It suggests that the speaker is in an in-between place, but it would be far more interesting if you elaborated on what places he is in-between and traveling by/through/into/out of. It could add a lot of insight into the character, as well as a lot of depth to the writing.
The imagery of hands holding intestines and simultaneously painting skin felt a bit condensed as well, as though you skipped a line in the middle in which one of the hands became free to take the blood and paint it on his/her body.
The ideas are there, this just feels like a skeleton to be worked on. I like the concept of shouting at the heavens madly, holding intestines and painted with blood. It's insane and really interesting. Anyhow, it's worth working on. It's got potential.
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