[So this is a bit of a non-fiction piece...I recently brought my cat to the vet, who discovered a large mammary tumour on her, possibly cancerous. My family and I were deciding if the best choice would be to put her down or not when we noticed the bird on the car. Please comment, as I'm not too sure about the end of the third stanza. Also: are the italics too obnoxious? Thanks.]
Its neck was bent back,
Calcium nubs against stretched, translucent skin,
Eyes squinting at the sun,
Legs bent in mid-stride
Like an ostrich;
Archaeopteryx
In stone.
A baby bird.
It was glued to the car.
Bird sweat, rotting meat,
Baked against the hood in the
Sweltering heat.
Tufts of down amongst
The brown mottled plumes.
I wanted to stare death in the face
With all the indifference,
Curiosity of a tourist.
I snap pictures on my phone;
Wonder if I’ll be the one to
See her undone:
A tumorous cat.
Soap-soaked foam brushes
Flap-flapping the windshield,
A rainbow in jets.
Baby bird in final flight.
Nature’s tragedies, I think,
So easily swept away
By modern man
Or a needle.
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5 comments:
My favorite line was "Curiosity of a tourist", but the next line felt like it ruined it for me. I understood you were taking pictures, but unless the fact that it's on the phone is important, I think the line should be removed completely, otherwise changed.
The first stanza was great and I think it could even stand alone. Nothing else to say about that.
The second stanza completes the first, but introduces the rhymes, which threw me off a little. I think this piece should be rhyme free :P
Third stanza was commented on, see first part of the comment.
The last stanza should be cut to the bird's final flight.
The thoughts at the end really seemed out of place and too much telling, editorializing.
I actually found the last stanza extremely important. How we've cleaned up our world, removed ugliness and "sanitized" the world with our technology. You're right about death, we should be able to face it. And we don't come across death enough anymore.
The Rhyming was unnecessary.
remove the Italics but don't change the last stanza. I'm sorry about your cat Andrea, I feel for you.
I liked this poem quite a bit!
That said... I was confused by the abrupt switch between the cat and the bird--you make no mention of your cat until you get to the line "a tumorous cat". It cuts across the meaning of the poem like a blunt knife or, well, a windshield wiper. In certain instances, it works; in this one, less so.
I'm of two minds as to the last stanza. For one, it is always good to have a proper conclusion; on the other, the one you offer seems slightly soupy. It needs some firming-up; either remove the "impression" ("I think") entirely, or modify it to be a total impression (which, in accordance to the previous impressions of the poem, require total imagery, whether of the self or of the subject).
I hope that makes sense. It's a wonderful piece of work!
Love the first stanza. Such good descriptions and really captivating. Love that you just have "A baby bird" as your last line. Excellent. Actually, great descriptions in the second too. Just wonderful and really vivid to read. I could feel the stick of the car hood's heat and the stink of the rotting flesh while the brown feathers shift lightly in the smallest movement of hot summer air. Great.
I have to agree about the rhyming. It could work if you added it more consistently, because it might give a twisted nursery rhyme feel to it, which would work along with the naive approach to dead (taking pictures of it with a phone, oblivious to its meaning otherwise) but at the moment it doesn't have that enough so it doesn't work effectively.
I also agree about the phone line in the third stanza. I got stuck on it and reread a couple of times not realizing what bothered me until I decided it was just out of place. Even the language of it lacks the eloquence found in other lines.
The cat should definitely come in sooner. If you hadn't put the explanation before I would have been entirely lost. This is fairly easily fixable though and I am confident that your writing skills will be able to integrate it somehow :)
The last stanza was great - perfect for the first four lines, and strong in ideas for the last few. I think the ending could be made stronger by rewording the last three lines entirely, making them non-italicized. However, I think that "Nature's tragedies, I think" still works, and because it's such a distinct thing to say "nature's tragedies", it makes it alright for the first person to come in and say it. For me at least. It gives the intimacy of the speaker's thoughts, followed by what could be a very powerful ending.
It's a great poem it's just not quite there - but I've no doubt it can be! :D
Aw its such a sad poem ;( I thought the poem was speaking more for luna then the bird because it speaks of fragile life and nature's cruel way of springing death upon us.
I got the least out of the first and second stanza but not because they're unnescessary but because i felt they were there to set up for the 3rd and 4th.
In the 3rd stanza I liked how she sadi she had the curiosity of a tourist because it makes me think of someone who isn't entirely present and only passing by to get a look. I thought it had to do with the fact that even if you're staring death(a dead animal) in the face you arent actually experiencing it and can only get as much as you can see out of it. Especially when its the death of an animal. When she spoke of her phone/camera i think it was more to ask the question ' will it be my cat that i'll be seeing next like this' and not to say she was just capturing this image purely out of touristly desire.
My favourite stanza was 100% the last one . The entire poem could have just been that stanza because its a really strong solid stanza. You get the imagery of using the windshield wipers to simply wash away the bird really makes the lines
' So easily swept away
By modern man
Or a needle.'
so much more effective.
Good poem, maybe it would be better if you could find a way to merge the first 2 stanzas into one?
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