This is me not having anything good to post and simply posting for the sake of posting just because it is my day and nothing more. Actually, I don't even really want you to read this. I just like seeing it in online because it looks pretty on the website. I wrote it in about three minutes, and probably spent more time on this introduction than on the actual piece. The piece, poorly edited and even poorer quality of writing, grammar and vocabulary has no relevance or meaning to anything anyone should really care about. Furthermore, any negative criticism or helpful suggestions will be kindly disregarded because perfection cannot be improved upon. And that is the entire point of writing.
Cashier: Bonjour--hello. Did you find everything you were looking for?
Client: Yes, I did. Thanks OH so much for asking!
Cashier: No problem! How are you, sir?
Client: I am good! And you, SIR!?
Cashier: Good. Thanks for asking.
Client: Oh, no problem at all. I mean, everyone is good these days, right?
Cashier: I’m sorry?
Client: I’m sure you are. What I mean is, well, good, you know, everyone is good when asked directly on the spot, but you’re obviously not expecting to me answer anything else which may shed any factual light about myself which may lead to an uncomfortable or awkward situation. Right? Well...
Cashier: ...
Client: I mean, when you ask ‘how are you,’ you’re expecting me to say good even though in reality I may be a mess. An alcoholic drug fueled mess. Right? I mean, it’s not like I’m asking you to feel pity for me or anything, I still have money and I can still buy books that look pretty on shiny clean dining room tables, but good, you know, It’s a figure of speech, right? A transition, the foreplay before the rising action, and the fuck, you know, the fucking denouement. A greeting ritual. A blowjob. Basically, it’s all shit, am I right? There is no substance in “good,” (so I guess it isn't really like a blowjob), like, if I were honest, and you truly wanted to know how I am, I would tell you the terrible fucking truth. Like how my marriage is falling apart and how my slow addiction to smoking crack has fucked with my brain and testicles. You know what I’m talking about when I say my testicles?
Cashier: Um, do you have a membership card?
Client: A MEMBERSHIP CARD? IN YOUR FUCKING DREAMS I HAVE A MEMBERSHIP!
Cashier: So your total is...
Client: I’m not paying money to save money, where’s the fucking logic in that? Fucking 5 cents for plastic bags and fucking 5 cents for an anal licking down the street.
Cashier: It would save you 10% off all books.
Client: BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT!
Cashier: Sir, I’m gonna have to ask you to calm down. Your total is $55.00
Client: That’s all wrong! The price on the book says 40!
Cashier: That’s the American price. In Canada it costs more.
Client: BUT OUR DOLLAR IS FUCKING EVEN!
Cashier: Yes. Right. But we still import the books from the States and...
Client: Brian... Yeah Brian, that’s what your name tag says right? How are you Brian?
Cashier: I’m good, sir.. I’m..
Client: I KNOW YOU'RE GOOD BECAUSE YOU HAVE A FUCKING VEST WITH A FUCKING NAMETAG. BUT YOU’RE NOT GOOD, BRYAN. NOBODY IS GOOD. Nobody is good because there is no fucking meaning to life! We’re just another fucking breed of animal who fucks and eats and shits and pushes babies out of our fucking... VULVAS! Am I right? We just go around and around and around and around, and we spin through and buy shit to make us happy and then when we buy shit we buy updated shit to make us happier and then when we sit down and finally think of a meaning of it all, we fucking shit our fucking pants, am I right? Everything is so stainless and pretty and perfect and when we’re actually happy we find out that everything is dead and everything is going do die eventually and everyone is alone until we die! RIGHT?!
Cashier: Right.
Client: It’s not that we suffer! NO! We don’t suffer. We’re just too apathetic to suffer. This post-modern shit has fucked with our heads and now we’re too lazy to get off our asses and be honest. How are you, sir? I’M FUCKING PROSTITUTES IN THE ASS! HOW DO YOU THINK I AM?
Cashier: Sir I’m feeling mighty uncomfortable in this current situation..
Client: MIGHTY UNCOMFORTABLE, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU FROM?
Cashier: I’m gonna have to call a manager.
Client: GOOD! Do it. GOOD! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT! I DON’T FUCKING EXIST! I’M JUST FUCKING WRITING ON A FUCKING PIECE OF PAPER OR COMPUTER SCREEN, WHY ARE YOU EVEN WASTING YOUR TIME WITH ME? IT'S ALL JUST A BUNCH OF NONSENSE BEING TYPED DOWN GOING THROUGH SOME GUYS HEAD WHO THINKS LIFE IS GOOD AND LIFE IS GRAND AND MIGHTY FINE. AM I RIGHT? I’M JUST A WOODY ALLEN-ESQUE NEUROTIC CHARACTER STARING INTO THE CAMERA AND SLOWLY DEVOLVING INTO A MELANCHOLIC, RAPID AND OFF-BEAT ENDING, RIGHT?
Manager: May I help you sir?
Client: Ah, fucking suck my dick.
4 comments:
Okay.
So this is Jordano's way of taking a shit all over Tabia's request...how rad and daring.
I suppose this is expected.
Again, I reiterate apologies to anyone personally offended by the post, and or those subsequently discouraged to post at all now. It was not the intention of the post, and clearly my own writing skills should improve to the stage where I can drive my message across without skivving off track and making a mockery of myself and what I'm saying.
That being said, I find this post extremely disappointing and hope it won't become a trend for the next few posts or really, ever again.
Fantastic Jordano. I think this would make a great sketch. Oh and the ending wasn't so good. What if the guy ended getting the membership card and just returning to the bullshit like a flaccid jerk?
Just a suggestion.
anyway, like I said would make a good sketch.
Hahaha, this was bad and highly amusing at the same time.
"I’M FUCKING PROSTITUTES IN THE ASS!"
And that is one VERY patient cashier.
Even though this is totally unedited and all-over the place, it makes me feel better about just POSTING already. Seeing something just spat out on the page really loosens the mind.
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