Given The Chance
I would gladly spot youin the crowd of people
that has suddenly gathered, appeared
in my distorted basement
with enough room for
two hundred people
sitting in comfortable seats,
each set in rows,
and thirty two others,
standing, watching the screen.
I look for you by
what I remembered you
wore that day (black sweater;red pants).
I can't see you, yet
but knowing that
you're in this room
comforts me:
I have something
to look forward to
after three hundred and thirty
forced conversations
with blurs of people I care nothing about.
Because that's what they are. Blurs.
They are moving mannequins
with British accents.
We'll joke about them later.
Bonus Post: (this is a rawer piece that I've written recently.)
Mouse
Today, I made a joke about
the dead mouse under the stairs
and how it got there.
Sometimes, I realize that I ain't
as nice as people believe me to be.
I tell them that it's because
underneath all of this skin
is a man who has lived through
many disappointments.
They look confused so I explain that
a disappointment is when
the child in you gets hit with a shovel,
then that first shovelful of dirt rains on him
as he gets buried alive.
5 comments:
wow the last stanza in the bonus post "Mouse" is incredibly sad.
i love the last stanza in given the chance; "they are moving mannequins with british accents we'll joke about them later."
ps. i had read this on your blog.
I like the first one. It's simple yet packed with meaning and longing. I think it's a piece that needs to be read aloud, though, because the way it's chopped off at the ends makes it a bit awkward for me to read, I end up just going straight through it like Shakespeare. Unless that was the intent?
I really really like Mouse. I have no idea why. I think it's dark, and blunt, and generally much more wordy and explanatory than your usual stuff. Usually your writing I can hear you speaking in my head, but this one stood apart. I have no productive comments for it, I really like it as it is. Except maybe change the 'ain't'? But that's most probably the english major in me talking.
Both could and should be songs.... that we should record... next week I'm free... I love you.
I know exactly what you are talking about with the room full of blurs. And are you the mouse?
Wow, wow! I really LOVE Mouse! I agree with Emlyn, that last stanza was just amazing. It's such a beautiful metaphor for disappointment...in a way this poem kind of reminded me of Lennie from Of Mice and Men. Maybe it's the southernish accent, or the mouse. But it has the same kind of brief but thorough depth to it.
As for Given the Chance, I think it would be great read aloud, with out without the choppiness. I like it both ways. And I love the lines, "three hundred and thirty
forced conversations
with blurs of people I care nothing about." I think it captures the feeling perfectly...which is why I don't like the final stanza so much, because it elaborates on the metaphor unneccessarily and then ends the poem awkwardly, and the sudden British accents kind of threw me off. Or maybe I need to read the first version.
The Chance:
I agree that this is really great and I want to hear it read aloud. I love the surreality of it, and kind of what that sense to it pushed even more, to make it even more dreamlike and wtf, having the "you" be the only anchor in a situation that utterly would have the speaker floating, drifting.
I really liked, on the third line, how "appeared" was stuck on at the end after the comma, as though it just appeared there and not even you as the author had planned for it, aesthetically and logically speaking. It was great. I imagine it teleporting itself there and just sort of shimmering into existence. But that's because I've been reading/watching/listening to too much sci-fi. Moving on.
I thought the piece should have ended on the blurs of people I care nothing about. The last four lines did nothing for me - particularly the "because that's what they are". It seemed a bit too in-your-face. The last three lines are good and I'd like to see them show up in another piece of yours, but in this I just don't feel they add anything to the poem. It had such strong resonance beforehand that reading that disconnected ending took away from its power.
I'm on the fence about wanting just one more line after the last line of the first stanza just to wrap up and bring it back into focus about the "you", or just keeping it at that for an ending. Because I think having it broaden the narrative by looking at the crowd again leaves it so open that I don't feel as though it's concluded, but at the same time it's an original way to end. Anyway. The important thing is that the last four lines shouldn't be there in my opinion. Otherwise *thumbs up*
Mouse:
Love it. Definitely by far one of your strongest pieces in a long time.
It felt as though there should be a bit more added to it - maybe just another small reference back to the mouse so that it comes full circle. I feel as though the mouse metaphor isn't explored fully enough and it has such potential. Especially considering that you opened the poem with it, I think it deserves more attention.
I also disapprove of the "ain't". It doesn't seem very authentic following the voice of the poem and stuck out in a bad way for me. Although I tried to like it and get down off my high and mighty horse of English Majoring, I just...can't like it :P
The explanation of what a disappointment is was simply gorgeous. I love it so so much. The piece flows extremely well from one stanza to the next. It feels as though there is so much emotion oozing from the words that I can't help but be impressed every time I read it over. Well done :)
And it has the signature Epic Mike Ending which makes me happy.
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