Before I begin, I have two things to bring up: 1. Why did everything get darker on this page all of a sudden? The picture is just black now... 2. So...um.. Mark/Jamason/Jason/Mason... when uhh... is he joining?
Also, don't expect greatness. I literally just wrote this at 1:20 AM and just let my mind roll. It's raw, unpolished and I am in love with a brick wall. That is fact.
Underwater Pillowfight
I am in love with a brick wall.
Built around me, it becomes
Avantgarde pop music
To be cloned and tweaked
Slightly
Around the world
So others can be lured in.
I am in love with a brick wall,
That I've allowed to wrap around me.
I am in love with the feeling of
Cutting off the wind
When my bricks keep me in a box
and Fling me about from each wall
Like a child is wondering what
This box contains.
I am a treasure.
Bonus Post: (Another one word poem)
Drunken Backflips Over Broken Glass
Challenger
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2 comments:
I'm not quite sure if I like the line 'Avantgarde pop music' or if I don't. other than that well done.
I too am unsure about the line avantgarde pop music. How I read it was that it was like a siren song, luring people in with its oddness to be pushed up against a brick wall so maybe instead of "pop music" you could reference something from Greek mythology to do with sirens? That could be really interesting as a juxtaposition beside "Avantgarde", since it would be the uber modern mixed with the uber classical.
I must say that I really love the idea of being in love with a brick wall. I've never really thought about it before, but it's a really interesting idea to approach and I think you did it justice for having written this really fast fairly late at night. I really enjoyed the beginning of the second stanza, I thought it was particularly strong. I felt that it got a little bit abstract and confusing during the fifth and sixth lines though and think that it could maybe use some elaboration and description? This is such a rich topic I'm sure that you can come up with some excellent metaphors and analogies and all that jazz. I'm just not certain why "Fling" is capitalized though. That is one of the things that threw me off.
I'm not so sure about the last line either...I'm not sure if the rest of the poem leads up to it enough, although I think that it's an interesting place to end up at. It sort of made me link up with the title (maybe this is just me) and the idea of sunken, underwater pirate treasure. So I have a feeling that isn't at all what you were going for, but at least personally I thought it was cool.
The title actually works really well though. It has all the potential drama of a pillowfight, but because it's underwater, everything's slowed down and lost its momentum - like hitting a brick wall, or falling in love with one. So good job on that. It worked wonders for the mental imagery too :) It's hard to do that with only two words, but you are awesome at invoking feeling in short pieces.
Bonus Post:
This made me giggle and laugh :P I pictured a really really drunk person staring at a floor filled with broken glass, sluggishly calculating the possibility of managing to do a backflip across it without killing him/herself. Lol.
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