The weeds grew up to my knees
while years past they never reached my ankles.
It was easier to hide among them
while others called my name.
The silence made it easier to breathe
as the light slowly faded.
Eyes heavy, starting to close,
they never found me.
4 comments:
I really like this poem. The imagery in it was just fantastic and really felt real. It felt much more grounded and authentic than your usual writing, just because of the fact that the words seemed so connected to the speaker (whereas the subject matter of your poems normally creates a broad, sweeping encompassment of ideas that's not as specific as this).
I thought the end was quite powerful, and I wasn't expecting for it to hit me so hard seeing as it's such a short poem, but I really enjoyed it. It's very fitting.
A few questions though: after the second and sixth lines there aren't any periods and I feel that there should be. There are periods after the fourth and last lines, so I'm not quite sure what purpose the inconsistency of punctuation is serving. If it's on purpose then I'm not sure if it's working, simply because it drew my attention away from the poem itself and onto its structure.
I really liked the use of couplets however. I find it really difficult to write good, concise, contained couplets while still keeping with a larger idea, but you managed really well so I commend you!
I'm not sure how I like the title. I keep thinking of Harry Potter and I'm fairly certain that's not what you wanted to have pop into mind :P Maybe a title describing the way the weeds look? Or something that relates to both how the weeds appear and how the emotional state of the speaker relates to them?
One other small thing - third to last line, first word - I believe it should be as not a :) just really minor.
Anyway, I really enjoyed this poem and I think it's one of my favourites of yours.
This kind of reminds me of bernard's poetry. Sort of. It was good. Very contained. I second Marta on the title, though, it does remind of me of something you'd see in a fantasy/quest video game.
I enjoyed this alot. The title (The Seeker) is the narrator, yes? or is just really good at hide and seek?
I like this too, how it's a very succint image. When I think of weeds I think of dandelions (even though they don't gro very tall, whatever), the way their leaves are jagged and stuff. I thought it fit really well with how the speaker is feeling.
"while others called my name"
I like how this plays with "namecalling." On the one hand, they are searching for the speaker for hide and seek, and on the other there's this unspoken malicious intent.
The last line is excellent. Even though it's enjambed with the previous line, it stands alone. The fact that is doesn't start with a capital letter makes it so diminutive, like a whisper, as if the speaker inwardly wished they had found her.
Definitely one of my favourite poems of yours.
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