I've had no time to post on my day (Thursday) this week nor yesterday, so today will have to do. This is a piece I wrote last week, except expanded as per Marta's request.
Existence of Words,
slipping through sand
As the trees of silk sway,
within the moist air.
Sounds echo,
carried out to uninvolved ears,
to whom the noise sounds like music.
A tuneless orchestra sits within the inner ear canal
waiting for a cue.
Dawn arises as music lifts itself up
driven by a conductor; miniscule in form
broken notes discarded,
left aside to be taken away,
to a place full of forgotten words,
undisruptive words.
Broken notes linger, creating distress.
Sun has risen, music stopped,
words are all that is left.
1 comment:
I really feel that this is far more complete. Excellent. I like the way that it's written, sort of broken sentences creating snapshot images - which is really interesting considering it's sounds that you're dealing with rather than visuals. So I think that that was a unique way to subtly involve more of the senses. I like that it ended with words too. It helped to create more of the full-circle sensation.
One thing that I thought maybe was a discrepancy was the "Dawn arises as music lifts itself up" and then later on "Sun has risen, music stopped" - I guess I was just uncertain about the time span. Is the music literally only for the amount of time it takes for the sun to break over the horizon fully and the it stops? Otherwise it's displacing my mental image a bit. But if that's what you intended then that's really cool and you could even work on creating that imagery even more! Right now, I imagined the first half of the poem taking place during the day, so if that's an integral part of the poem you might want to introduce it sooner.
In all a good edit, I say! Good line breaks. Sounds like a rising and falling orchestral motion.
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