(this is me trying something different. Feedback is appreciated and I kind of wish it was mandatory. I haven't edited this and there are a few lines I'm uneasy about, let's see if you can spot them. :) thanks.)
I sat at the foot of our bed putting on soft, black socks. I rose to my feet, finally zipping the fly of my suit's pants. God, I love suits. I tucked my royal blue shirt into my pants, the last few button holes and buttons left lonely of each other.
She came out of the bathroom in her shining silver gown with her back exposed, leaving the rest of her exquisite body to the imigination. Her blonde locks curled down to her shoulders. She bent closer to the mirror over the dresser to apply the finishing touches of makeup.
"Should I wear heels?" she asked me, her voice just loud enough to overtake the television audience cackling at the comedian making a fool of himself on stage.
"It's really your call," I told her. "Do you want to wear them?"
"Yeah," she said, "but I won't. I'll be taller than you. Nobody wants that."
I walked over to her side of the room, making the knot in my silver tie. My eyes looked into her's through the mirror, my hands on her shoulders moving up and down her arms.
"Wear them anyway," I told her, walking around the room. "If you do, I'll get to make a tacky joke about how 'we don't see eye to eye about these things'. People will think you're a strong woman and that I'm laid back and would sacrifice my appearance for yours."
"Fuck," I thought to myself. "I really am a politician."
The audience roared in laughter. The comedian finally succeeded.
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3 comments:
I like this piece, except maybe the last line, sounded contrived...maybe the last two lines, because it makes him sound insincere.
I like this, but I have to agree with Emlyn about the last two lines. I think the last line can work really well if the one before is changed. Maybe if the woman said it, like, "you really are the politician, aren't you?" The woman seems like a forward kind of person, and it would be the kind of ambiguous joke that makes you unsure if it's a bad thing or not.
Preparations
(this is me trying something different. Feedback is appreciated and I kind of wish it was mandatory. I haven't edited this and there are a few lines I'm uneasy about, let's see if you can spot them. :) thanks.)
I sat at the foot of our bed putting on soft, black socks. I rose to my feet, finally zipping the fly of my suit's pants. God, I love suits. I tucked my royal blue shirt into my pants, the last few button holes and buttons left lonely of each other.
She came out of the bathroom in her shining silver gown with her back exposed, leaving the rest of her exquisite body to the imAgination. Her blond(NO E) locks curled down to her shoulders. She bent closer to the mirror over the dresser to apply the finishing touches of makeup.
"Should I wear heels?" she asked me, her voice just loud enough to overtake the television audience cackling at the comedian making a fool of himself on stage.
"It's really your call," I told her. "Do you want to wear them?"
"Yeah," she said, "but I won't. I'll be taller than you. Nobody wants that."
I walked over to her side of the room, making the knot in my silver tie. My eyes looked into her's through the mirror, my hands on her shoulders moving up and down her arms.
"Wear them anyway," I told her, walking around the room. "If you do, I'll get to make a tacky joke about how 'we don't see eye to eye about these things'. People will think you're a strong woman and that I'm laid back and would sacrifice my appearance for yours."
"Fuck," I thought to myself. "I really am a politician."
The audience roared in laughter. The comedian finally succeeded.
** Sorry, just couldn't help but work on your spelling. However, I am also left wondering, "and what does this mean to me? what does it mean to the author?" I'm left wanting more depth of characters. Where are thy going? Why are they dressed up? etc. there are some voids left to be filled.
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