A Deep Cut From The Back Catalog of My Brain. Sentimentality.

I have a comedy blog and it's doing alright. It makes me happy and this post is a little longer and funnier there. Here, I decided to make it a little bit more emotional. But you can read stuff here, too.

I've always been a little bit too involved in wakes.
I don't mean I'm always involved in a wake.
God, I - fuck.
I mean, I have always been fascinated with...
Jesus fucking Christ.
"Fascinated"?! Ugh. Such a creep.
Interested.
There.
Ok.
Take two.

I've always bit a little bit too interested in wakes.
I've never liked them.
I mean, I don't like when people die.
I don't even go to them.
The wakes, I mean.
Not the dead people.
Actually, I don't go to dead people either.
But I try to get to people if they're dying so I could help if I can or make peace with -
Jeez.
Moving on.

It's the idea that gets me:
There you are.
Dead.
Your family and friends have chosen what best represents you.
Then they pay to have your cold presence fill a room for a day or two
or four.
Then they show you off.
"Look how great he was."
"Look how peaceful he seems."
"It would seem that he was great and went peacefully, with his dignity and pride in tact."

The truth is that these people will all remember you the way they want to remember you.
No particular photo of you baking a cake with your cousins, the one time you did it, will change anybody's minds.
And if they did, that'd be a lie.

When death is imminent and I have a family of my own, -
That's not to say I don''t love my family now.
I totally do.
But they'll be dead by then, though.
I mean, -
FUCK
I just mean that I think my parents will die before me.
I couldn't live with myself if I died before them.

...hehe. I just got that.

WHAT I MEAN IS...
If I have a death bed and I'm on it, I hope I have a family of my own:
Wife.
Kids.
Dog.
Bear (the future is very progressive).
Lifelong friends.
Shorter term friends who are very close to me at the time.
People I've lived with in the past.

And I hope they'll gather around me before I die, -
I mean, like, weeks before I die.
Not before the moment of my death.
That would be creepy.
And how would we time that out?

I hope they gather around with whatever memory they have of me.
Photographs and audio files.
Or a combination of those (who knows what the future holds?).
And I will have a say in what gets displayed at my wake.

Sorry cousins, I won't have a picture of us baking together at my wake.
I'd rather have the picture of me, smiling in a leather recliner, satisfied with myself while you guys cower, visibly covering up your noses in disgust.
I'd rather have an Alexisonfire song playing over a well sung ballad by whichever teen vocal sensation is popular then.

But most of all, I'd want the video (hello, future!) of everyone around my death bed discussing with me about what to display at my wake to be on display itself.

Because I'll make sure you remember it as a good thing and a good day.
Not that I'm dying, but like, that it's okay that I'm dying.
Do you get it?
I don't think you're getting it.
I mean...

I've relived an amazing amount of awful moments in my head that all seemed fantastic
just because somebody at the time said "everything is going to be alright."

And that's what my bed says.