there is a girl and her dog
on the sidewalk
(there is always a girl
so the dog just seems
extraneous at this point
but we'll go with it for now)
she is the girl i thought of
when i lay half awake on Saturday morning
expecting her to walk through my door
not knowing she expected
the same of me
she is the girl of my day wasted
looking at dinosaur skeletons
in the Canadian Museum of Nature
hoping for a conversation
about early equines
the day that wasted but did not rot
did not bloat and bulge and burst
like what might be expected
of a dream, but
rather fell to the sidewalk
like the other thousand forgotten days
(that are sitting on piles
in impoverished countries
with small children climbing
looking over the mounds of wreckage looking in
the Hills and Mounds of Bad Days
for what they (as children
who cannot, or so we observe,
do Nothing) consider Days Well Passed)
but this one has returned
this one remains
and as she sits on the sidewalk
and i do not know if
she is there for me
but i can only assume
that the dog was there
to catch my attention
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1 comment:
This is really great. I find lately your poetry is improving magnificently - no longer just abstract ideas and beautiful word combinations, but the subject matter seems much more mature and authentic. I don't know if this *is* actually based off life with you as the speaker, but the beauty of poetry is that it doesn't have to be real to be meaningful :)
I wasn't sure about the parenthesized dog stanza, but you tied that up so nicely at the end in such a way that makes the entire poem seem complete.
I also liked the first stanza - it's perfect in its shortness, and breaks in just the right place. Makes you focus on what's important for the rest of the poem. Also, visually, there are in literal terms the words "a girl and her dog", which are placed on top of the line "on the sidewalk", so it has a nice visual poetry to it, the semantics mimicking the syntax. Don't know if you planned that, but it turned out clever.
I loved the descriptions of the girl in relation to the speaker. It was great poetry. I thought that it started to get a little abstract in the fifth and sixth stanzas, which is where I would suggest tweaking just to clarify the imagery you're putting forth. The day being wasted, rotting, bulging, bursting, and bloating like a dream is clear enough, but the falling to the sidewalk is hard to visualize. Maybe describe how it falls? Like a rotten nectarine, or a water balloon, or silly putty. It would give it the necessary anchor.
As for the sixth stanza, there's just a lot of overload there - and while that's good for mirroring the pile of "thousand other forgotten days", it makes it hard to get anything else from it. For example, the second set of parentheses was a bit much, and I had to read it over a few times before understanding how it was supposed to flow. Also, the capitalizations contributed to the overload feel. Actually, I'm not certain I like the imagery of "impoverished countries" coming into this poem. It takes it to a different level that I don't think really adds but rather takes away, so that by the time I end up at the next stanza I have to remind myself what it's about and what the narrative is again. So maybe work with the piles of forgotten days with some other metaphor? Because it's good...but not like this.
The next two stanzas are great though. I think they really capture the hopeful optimism that is so refreshing in this piece. It's hard to write hope well, but you managed excellently.
So yes, I once again want to say that I think you are improving a lot in your writing, and I enjoy reading it a great deal!
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