filled with lies
disguised as promises.
I hear the cries at night,
they pierce me and leave me
breathless with despair.
Desperation kicks in,
programmed from within
with time, the cries subside
as the silence ensues
it spreads;
a disease.
Eating up mankind
until only one voice remains
A disorder of chaotic immensity.
2 comments:
I don't want to be harsh or anything, but I really didn't like this. I feel like it's all too vague. Just things like despair, desperation, disease, lies, cries... what is this grounded in? There are only consequences, but because we are told all these emotions it's hard to believe in them, to engage with them, because they're just words. Especially the last line: "A disorder of chaotic immensity." It doesn't really mean anything...
While I agree with Charles that this is all pretty vague, and that yes the last line bothered me as well, I think that could just be fixed up if you added some specificity of circumstance. You always write apocalyptic style poetry, so you must have some inner visual of what that might look like. Really try to flesh that out with details. I could see this being a really nice descriptive narrative poem. Give the speaker a stronger voice, give a solid undertone of the theme you're trying to get across (because there should be some sort of commentary on something or other), and work on clearing up the ending to get a resonant emotional kick.
I really liked the inner line rhymes though - keep up with that word play and it could be quite good!
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