Have you seen the crows there?
Maybe they are ravens.
I wouldn't know the difference.
Let's say they're ravens —
It sounds more literary.
I went jogging there last Tuesday
And noticed them,
All squat and ugly
In the long, wet grass.
They bob along awkwardly
Between the runners
And footballs and students.
Sometimes they croak —
I suppose that's to be expected
Of a raven.
Sometimes they fly,
Wings folded back —
A flight full of effort,
Quickly finished.
They are dispersed —
Just a handful of them —
Black specks in the green.
They are waiting for something,
Stationed there like bodyguards
On a landing pad.
5 comments:
This is good! What I feel, though, is that the crux of the poem lies in those final lines--
"Stationed there like bodyguards
On landing pad."
And while I loathe to say thinks like, "scrap the rest"... I for one think that this poem could be much improved by focusing on those images. "All squat and ugly" doesn't bring anything to my mind, but "black specks in the green" does. Pick out the strong points, work with them. This poem should not be a tent, sagging upon a few choice pickets--it has the potential to be so much more!
I think it's very good. I like it a lot. I have no right to do this, but I would cut out what seems surplus narrative (and remove arbitrary new line caps?), leaving
There are crows on the downs.
Maybe they are ravens.
I wouldn't know the difference.
Let's say they're ravens.
I went jogging there last Tuesday
and noticed them,
in the long, wet grass.
They bob along awkwardly
between the runners
and footballs and students.
Sometimes they croak —
I suppose that's to be expected
of a raven.
Sometimes they fly,
a flight full of effort,
quickly finished.
They are dispersed —
just a handful of them —
black specks in the green.
They are waiting for something,
stationed there like bodyguards
on a landing pad.
Hi there Anonymous! Welcome to our blog! I have to say I really like your suggestions for the poem. I think you and Bernard are thinking along the same lines (making the images more concise) and I agree. The pared-down version adds drama and brings notice to the insidious potential of the black ravens. They becomes details that were once casually noticed and now grow dangerous as we ponder them. That "they are waiting for something" becomes ominously portentious.
Charles, I do like the original too. It has a much more casual feel,the way you flippantly decide to alter details to make things more literary. It's hard to take the crows seriously; they seem ridiculous, like they're trying too hard to be tough. When I read the first line, "Have you been out on the downs lately?" I thought you were asking if I was in a bad mood or in a rut, and that "seeing the crows there" was a metaphor for encountering grief. The poem was, for me, a lighthearted pick-me-up, a diminishing of that grief, laughing at it, finding it ridiculous and even amusing.
I admit that I was indeed in a rut and this made me smile :) Thanks for cheering me up, Charles!
You're welcome Andrea, and thanks for the suggestions gentlemen — I will definitely work on that piece some more and see how it turns out!
Oh, and Anonymous, I'm sorry, I assumed you were a male. I'm so sorry I'm trying to get rid of my gender bias...
Post a Comment