At first I thought this was Tabia (um...much darker though lol), the way it speaks directly to the "other person" in a relationship without letting the reader in on the details, like it's a diary you found on the floor or something.
Unfortunately though, I don't know if I like this one. I get distracted by the strong words here, "tears" and "screams." Nothing feels expired or muted because of the violence in the words themselves...I don't know if that is vague or what, not quite sure how to explain. I guess what I mean is that "tears" and "screams" jump out more than "expired" and "muted" - which is an interesting effect, except that it contradicts what is said in the rest of the poem. I completely forget about the laughing and smiling. The only things that stick are the tears and screams. So by the end of the poem, all I feel is the "hateful" part. The thankfulness and change seem entirely superfluous and glossed over. It doesn't feel like changing or fixing at all.
I feel like I don't get the point of this poem.
Plus the fact that this other person is addressed so vaguely and formally makes the emotion here feel empty. I don't see the relationship between the speaker and "to whom it may concern." What's the change here? What's the dilemma? How did it happen? I feel like there's two contradicting emotions here, but no reason for them or story behind them.
I really do like the last two lines though. I think the rhyming is a great way to set up the opposition between "grateful" and "hateful." I just feel those lines go to waste because there isn't enough to support them in the rest of the poem.
I like this poem although I'd agree with andrea that the title makes the speaker seem a bit too dissociated which doesn't really mesh with the rest of the poem.
I do like the idea that whoever "fixed" the narrator didn't really fix them but mearly supressed their darker side. For that reason though i dont think that fixed is the right word. I'd go for something more along the lines of muted to screams which implies that the screams have stopped but the source is still there.
I think that this is a good skeleton of a poem to work on. I think the thing with your writing is that you use a lot of vague words to describe, like "tears" and "screams", which have been overused in life and writing and especially poetry. It makes your work seem occasionally cliche, which is definitely avoidable. Try to find unique ways of describing what it is your narrator is going through by using unexpected words or sometimes just subtle metaphors. Play with your writing and let it go free and let the speaker speak the words - if it's you, then really grip that emotion as much as you can and just scoop it out of you like the Repoman ripping out a Geneco heart :) if it's a character, then imagine how that person would react and don't confuse them with your own personal reactions towards the situation.
As I said though, it's a good outline and I like the movement of this poem from beginning to end. It just needs fleshing out. But the beginning and the end are good, especially because the end is unexpected. So I say keep working with it.
3 comments:
At first I thought this was Tabia (um...much darker though lol), the way it speaks directly to the "other person" in a relationship without letting the reader in on the details, like it's a diary you found on the floor or something.
Unfortunately though, I don't know if I like this one. I get distracted by the strong words here, "tears" and "screams." Nothing feels expired or muted because of the violence in the words themselves...I don't know if that is vague or what, not quite sure how to explain. I guess what I mean is that "tears" and "screams" jump out more than "expired" and "muted" - which is an interesting effect, except that it contradicts what is said in the rest of the poem. I completely forget about the laughing and smiling. The only things that stick are the tears and screams. So by the end of the poem, all I feel is the "hateful" part. The thankfulness and change seem entirely superfluous and glossed over. It doesn't feel like changing or fixing at all.
I feel like I don't get the point of this poem.
Plus the fact that this other person is addressed so vaguely and formally makes the emotion here feel empty. I don't see the relationship between the speaker and "to whom it may concern." What's the change here? What's the dilemma? How did it happen? I feel like there's two contradicting emotions here, but no reason for them or story behind them.
I really do like the last two lines though. I think the rhyming is a great way to set up the opposition between "grateful" and "hateful." I just feel those lines go to waste because there isn't enough to support them in the rest of the poem.
I like this poem although I'd agree with andrea that the title makes the speaker seem a bit too dissociated which doesn't really mesh with the rest of the poem.
I do like the idea that whoever "fixed" the narrator didn't really fix them but mearly supressed their darker side. For that reason though i dont think that fixed is the right word. I'd go for something more along the lines of muted to screams which implies that the screams have stopped but the source is still there.
I think that this is a good skeleton of a poem to work on. I think the thing with your writing is that you use a lot of vague words to describe, like "tears" and "screams", which have been overused in life and writing and especially poetry. It makes your work seem occasionally cliche, which is definitely avoidable. Try to find unique ways of describing what it is your narrator is going through by using unexpected words or sometimes just subtle metaphors. Play with your writing and let it go free and let the speaker speak the words - if it's you, then really grip that emotion as much as you can and just scoop it out of you like the Repoman ripping out a Geneco heart :) if it's a character, then imagine how that person would react and don't confuse them with your own personal reactions towards the situation.
As I said though, it's a good outline and I like the movement of this poem from beginning to end. It just needs fleshing out. But the beginning and the end are good, especially because the end is unexpected. So I say keep working with it.
Otherwise, A&FSMC.
Post a Comment