flow from earthly rivers
we cannot help but travel.
We sit by weekend fires
in our manufactured heart of hearts,
crowded by our drunken neighbours
finding their own peace.
Why ruin thse savage hearts
with intimation of a slower beat?
We are a warrior-people
who follow the erratic drum
of mathematical precision--
and so when Sunday passes
find ourselves driven to
the voluntary teeth
with shield abandoned
where we made our rest.
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3 comments:
"We are the warrior-people who follow the erractic drum of mathematical precision --"
fantastic.
"crowded by our drunken neighbours finding their own peace."
good imagery.
This had a feel of conquering and really drew me in. I read this earlier on tonight and I'm still pumped.
One of my favorites.
I feel as though the two stanzas are quite separate from each other. The second goes into war imagery when the first mentioned nothing to do with that. I didn't quite get that conquering feel that Mike seemed to, and rather found that it either stopped abruptly and should have gone on longer, or should have had more attention paid to the transitioning and matching. Perhaps stanzas in this poem aren't cutting it and it would be more effective if it were all one solid piece.
Otherwise I really enjoy the beat of this. The words sound fantastic and the flow of it did kind of get me pumped, although I can't really explain why. Just a good cadence to it I suppose.
I also am a fan of using the first line of the poem the title, and this was no exception to my appreciation. It was a great way to draw me in from the beginning and keep me reading. Also it sounds so nice. "These lakes we come to / flow from earthly rivers" - I really like the word lake. It works really well. And earthly rivers is both concrete and ephemeral somehow and it's brilliant, like the shrouding mist that hovers over water in the early morning.
So really, I'd just work on knitting your ideas together so they complete rather than compete with each other for the limelight of your poem. Sort of like how you have the emcee leading into each separate act of a show rather than a blackened set between set changes - the flow into ideas is important, because the reader needs to understand where you're going and how you got there and what is significant about that in juxtaposition to the other ideas rolling around inside the lines. You have great lines, but make sure they aren't all trying to stand out in and of themselves regardless of the others, especially not just for the sake of sounding good.
After reading the title and first two lines i knew immediately it was you, Bernard, who wrote this. I miss reading your poems, i have been kind of stalking you on this site- it's a strange obsession, but nothing to be frighten by(i hope).
in terms of the poem, what marta said:
"So really, I'd just work on knitting your ideas together so they complete rather than compete with each other for the limelight of your poem."
is pretty much exactly what i thought after reading it.
maybe it's a personal preference (and i am sure it is) but i don't really like war themes in poetry. but again, that is only my thought.I DO HOWEVER, absolutely love having the first line of a poem be the title, it is one of the only things i use as a title if i ever choose to include one.
anyway, i wish i kept in touch with you more, i hope i / you / we find a way to do so and perhaps share some writings.
love always,
brennan
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