i carry my heart
like a late-evening stroll
like residual flame
like a campfire torch
i carry my heart
like a trembling bird
like a sentence that came
when I'd run out of words
i carry my heart
far away from my head
unaware of the fact
that biology lays
i carry my heart
like it's waiting to fall
onto sidewalk or street
onto nothing at all
i carry my heart
to be shown to the eyes
that don't quite shy away
that don't quite say goodbye
(i carry my heart
in your heart)
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4 comments:
I feel as though a lot of this poem is filler simply for the sake of fitting your chosen form. Particular examples of this would be the last two lines of the third, fourth and fifth stanzas. Unlike the first two stanzas, these ones focus only on one image, and perhaps because the quickness is established in the beginning, this lingering feels like lingering.
That said, I really enjoyed the second stanza - it's my favourite I believe. I particularly like the last two lines, although in its entirety it is wonderful. I like that you juxtapose a trembling bird with being able to speak/write after having given up. A trembling bird could be a negative image, but paired with the positive image afterwards, it becomes hopeful and inspiring.
I would probably have enjoyed the third stanza more if it weren't for the last sentence, which trips me up every time I read it. To me, it makes no grammatical sense and I don't understand it - is it a science term that a poor exclusively-artistic trained mind would not understand? Otherwise it just doesn't work. Even so, I am not sure if it works. Because this does not seem to be the kind of poem that would be geared towards a scientific audience, therefore throwing in a science term would be inappropriate.
The fourth and fifth stanzas seemed, to me (sorry) quite juvenile. Particularly because of the rhyming. It seemed like you were really grasping for words to fill the space because you needed another line, so rather than look for another image, you spread these ones out so you could move on. I know you can write well, so it was very disappointing to see this come from you.
The last stanza in parentheses was, on the other hand, pretty good. Not genius, but I liked it and I think that that is the idea you should be expanding on throughout the piece. The majority of the other images were simply not enough to keep my glued to the page. You should keep that as the ending, and I think the "i carry my heart / like [...]" form is successful, but that it needs to be reworked. It's a good ending, but it should be led up to far better by, if you can, hinting at it in all the preceding stanzas.
I was just wondering why the first 3 stanzas dont rhyme and the 4th and 5th do. I also have a vague memory of hearing this sort of poem, mostly the last line " (i carry my heart
in your heart) "
Overall though i cant comment much on the poem because i dont understand much of the imagery. Like why does
" like a trembling bird" go into
" Like a sentence that came" i just dont see the connection.
and its written " i carry my heart away from my head" which makes me think that you keep your heart away from your brain but then you write "i carry my heart
to be shown to the eyes
that don't quite shy away
that don't quite say goodbye" but doesnt that show that you think about your heart and actually do think/plan for it? for some reason that last stanza makes me think the whole poem is talking about someone who doesn't have any confidence in themselves and who's looking for someone to share their heart with.
I agree with Justin entirely actually - except I still like the trembling bird line. Otherwise, I just wanted to second his opinion.
I really liked this, all of it, and definitely could hear it as a song.
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