Wow, I have not posted anything on here in what seems like months. Writers block had its firm grasp around my hand. So to hopefully make up for it here are two poems.
Beams
I used to smile
until one day it became forced
The corners of my mouth grew weary
from the lack of usage
so I sewed my lips shut.
(For some reason the word usage bothers me but I left it in there)
Reverie
Too long have the words dried up
left aside by an abandoned highway
where a suicide once took place
The crumpled papers mock
as the words bleed out of a fools mouth
and drip so ever slightly upon my skin
staining it.
Fingernails are bitten off
raw and bloody
and lifeless
They match the eyes of the woman sitting next to me
a living corpse
even though her breathe tickles my neck
as her whispered words lull me to sleep
It reminded me of the time when
I slipped
when I was younger
by telling them (the others)
about the man behind the nightmare
I tripped
falling up
yet still landed on my feet
2 comments:
Beams:
"until one day" is unnecessary. I think "I used to smile./ It became forced./ The corners of my mouth/ grew weary/ so I sewed my lips shut."
Usage bothered me too. Rid of it :P
and for some reason, I felt like it would be appropriate to put some imagery about spit in there. also, I feel like the ending has been overdone. You and I both know that plenty of emo bands have done that ending or devoted their band name to it.
Reverie:
Breathe? NO! SPELLING MISTAKE! breath.
I feel like you should have gone a little deeper into the suicides that took place there. There needs to be a significance, because right now, I'm just thinking "oh, Davina tossed in suicide".
The others should replace "them", it's more ominous, I think.
I think this gets strong from "Fingernails"
The fact that you feel a belonging amongst living corpses makes us think twice about the narrator and also the fact that you get put to sleep by whispered words is great too. The nightmare was a fantastic ending. My first instinct after reading that line was to get up and run into the wall for not being creative enough lately.
the word usage bothers me too, i like mike's edit, but you could also just replace the word usage with the word use. also i don't like so i sewed my lips shut, since it doesnt prevent smiling, you can smile with your lips together and it doesnt make sense to me as a conclusion to the peom.
Reverie
Too long have the words dried up left aside by an abandoned highway
The crumpled papers mock as the words bleed out of a fools mouth and drip so ever slightly upon my skin.
It reminded me of the time when I slipped when I was younger by telling them (the others) about the man behind the nightmare I tripped falling up yet still landed on my feet.
those are the parts of reverie I eally liked and I felt they could stand on their own, the rest I found unneccessary, and without significance, like mike said. sorry to be harsh.
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