She yearns for something of significance
Instead the darkness evades
A hole dug thoroughly
filled with creeping maggots,
ready to claim the living flesh.
Eye sockets bulge,
comprehension dawning within the iris
A void has taken place within the chest,
Spanning the entire distance of the corpse
She years for meaning within life
Instead she cries herself to sleep every night
afraid that when death comes,
no one will remember
and laughter will ring out
Her tears drown her
as a shotgun creates a hole
inside her head
She yearns for acceptance
from people she will never meet
and for things that will never transpire
Fame, which will never be seen
is hidden away
far from prying eyes
and mirthless shades of non- acceptance
She yearns for understanding
As her heart speaks through her mouth
No one would listen
They all change the subject,
they look away
She yearns for their acceptance,
instead she receives silence
So she ripped out her tongue instead.
2 comments:
This was alright. The concept was nice. Reminded me of a twisted children's poem.
At least 2 typos noticed. (sorry. being picky)
I loved the idea of the last line, but I think the stanza needs more refining.
From what I understood, she is suffering from a loss, but I think it would be a break up since the "flesh" is "living".
So there's that depression that follows la rupture and she goes with it. However, we understand that she's going through the thoughts only.
The reuse of the word hole for the shotgun brings back the image of the metaphorical grave. That was clever, but needs more accentuation.
3rd stanza was awkward and gets covered in the 4th anyway.
I think with fine tuning, this could be better than it is, but its a definite step up from your last post.
I like this, but I feel as though it's trying to do too many things at once; pushing and pulling between sadness and despair. The bits about 'She' and how she feels are great, and then the most descriptive, grimy details are great too, but I don't think it works together. Its busy instead of chaotic. Maybe try writing two different poems that focus on one point and one point only, post them seperately and we can see if they work together or not.
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