I AM UNABLE TO
DISTINGUISH right and wrong
now.
And though I can see your flag, waving in the distance,
calling me home,
there is something that keeps me pegged
here
and
I am undone.
I am no longer able to tell my body what it wants
and I fear it is because it has already made up its mind.
This war, that rages between the logical and heartfelt, can only last so long
but it's difficult - difficult to tell - when wrong feels right
and right is everything you imagined it to be.
I am beginning to lose control
of everything that was - clearly once - sturdy
and permissible.
I am unable to distinguish friends from foes
and abhorrence from misplaced hunger.
It blends together between my sheets, covers me warm in the night
and I fear that when I wake
I will be nothing more than an oxymoron.
3 comments:
"but it's difficult - difficult to tell - when wrong feels right
and right is everything you imagined it to be."
I LOVE that line. You're really good with punch lines, I must say (I'm thinking of "Especially love. Especially loss").
"I am no longer able to tell my body what it wants
and I fear it is because it has already made up its mind."
This line is so well put. It's not angsty and raging with hormones, but more of a logical acceptance of bodily wants...even though the mind and body are opposed, they both come across as equally thought out. It makes this transition between feel natural and good.
I like.
ASMC:
I really like the first quote she picked.
Also, the final stanza struck me hardest and it was very definite. "I will be nothing more than an oxymoron." it felt like fact.
Also the line break for "here" was great.
However, knowing you and your work, I feel like this is you ranting. This doesn't feel like you.
It has it's moments, but overall doesn't pull me in, because it's missing...something...I don't quite know what, but it's not your best.
I really like the line breaks in this. It allowed for a definitive way of reading this, which was interesting to have. It's almost a poem, but not quite and therefore kind of intriguing.
I think the last three lines are particularly awesome. "It blends together between my sheets, covers me warm in the night" is such a beautiful image. Really really well done. Love love love. Fantastic abstract visuals stuff going on. Invoking the senses really ground it so that you can get away with its being abstract.
Maybe this is just a personal qualm, but I really don't like the phrase "friends from foes". I find that it takes away from the writer's individuality and distinctness with wording when you use a saying that's been so diluted over time. It's not your words, it's everyone else's. That's the only point thought that I really felt that it wasn't you though, so I would disagree with Mike's comment otherwise. This is a very Tabian piece.
I think what I want to see more in your writing is actual situation though. Your work is always very abstract and universal, and I think you would benefit by moving into the specific. You can still cover the same themes easily, but I think it would strengthen your work to go more into stories and use the narratives as "allegories" for what you're trying to say. A lot of the time I feel like you're writing the same thing over and over, right "on the nose" so to speak, and your work blends because of that lack of specificity. Readers don't really have to work at interpreting your writing because it's so blunt. Which can be good and bad. Good, because you've mastered it, and bad because at least personally I get frustrated when things are too in-my-face all the time. So this is my assignment for you: write about the theme of your choice, but you must include a definitive setting, at least one fully rounded character (although two or more would be preferable), and there must be some overall plot arc that doesn't say straight out what it's trying to express in said theme of your choice. It doesn't have to be excruciatingly long, but longish. Something to work on as soon as you're done your exam :)
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