Sometimes,
I stay up late nights
And wonder
What possessed man to carve
The skin of a cow
And wear it like his own.
Sometimes,
I stay up late nights
And wonder
If man has already
Tried to save
Chicken wings
To construct his own.
Sometimes,
I stay up late nights
And wonder
What afflicted
The human race enough
To turn it into
Animalia's bully.
Sometimes,
I stay up late nights
And wonder
What category
I fall under
And if that could be
Changed.
Sometimes,
I stay up late nights
And wonder
If extinction is
'Fading'
Or
'Multiple disappearances.'
Sometimes,
I stay up late nights
And wonder
Why animals
Worry me
As much as they do.
Sometimes,
I stay up late nights
And wonder
Who.
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3 comments:
I'm very on the fence about this poem. While I think that some stanzas are great, I don't think that the level of awesome is consistent enough.
Because it's a topic that's been covered a lot, it's hard to be original when talking about the differences between humans and animals. It was great because there were some really nice stanzas, such as the second, fourth and fifth that I thought WERE quite original and just fantastic - but then the first and third were much more or a conventional stance on the content.
Also I think the thing I found most off-putting is the fact that I wasn't sure if it was a speaker-oriented poem or a protest poem contesting the treatment of animals. At first I thought it was the former, but then the fourth stanza switched points of view from the to extrospective to the introspective. I thought that it was strongest and most original on the introspective note.
I really loved the short lines. I thought they worked well to portray the process of thought, which is at once slow/disjointed by the line breaks, but quick to read. It gave a distinct personality to the piece, and one that I think added to its strength.
I wasn't too sure about the last two stanzas though. The second the last seemed inevitable as an ending - the repetition of the first two lines all throughout means that you should probably have something more surprising happening in the end. That being said, I DO really like that stanza. Perhaps it's the placement. It might work better as an opening. Hm. Maybe. I'm uncertain about that actually. I don't know if it would work. But I'm very on the fence about that stanza in particular. Because it's also very explicit and aware of the introspection that's happening - which is interesting because that creates a tension between the human and animal qualities, where one is capable of self-awareness, but I don't know if that's clear enough if that's what you were going for and I think that aspect could be strengthened.
As for the last stanza, I would say just to take it away. The difference in number of lines made it fall a little flat, which is sad because especially with the fourth and fifth stanzas I was really enjoying the piece and thought it had hit its stride. I think the last stanza is too ambiguous, whereas the rest of the piece was fairly specific, so it stuck out.
The title is great. I really thought that it was perfect for the piece. It's a typical Mikean title, but at the same time it actually DOES have something to do with the content :P so I just really liked that and thought it deserved mentioning.
Anyhow, as I said - I did like the piece a lot, I just think it needs some work before it's perfected. But you definitely have something good here, it's just a matter of what you do with it. The fourth and fifth stanzas were really really great.
This is absolutely the furthest thing from a protest poem. These were my exact thoughts last night and I realized they were recurring.
The first stanza is something I think about regularly about many things, especially since I started watching Criminal Minds and Silence of the Lambs. But I kept it in because it made it seem like a protest piece. I thought if I led with the second stanza, it would feel too comedic. This way it just highlights the fact that I'm thinking, nothing more or less.
Third stanza is just acknowledging how were are the kingdom's bully. And behind every bully is an affliction.
Fourth is me saying I want to be a fucking bird, damn it.
Fifth, I was confused about the definition and both worked, so I was extra confused.
Sixth is about how animals intrigue me. How every one of them is completely different. I've come across different types of crows. Friendly crows, stare-down crows, bitchy CAW CAW crows, crows that hate humans, crows who aren't scared. They're different so..
(final) anthropomorphizing them felt right. Saying who warrants a personality for them. They are not what, but who.
Hahaha okay I really didn't think you were one for a protest poem which is why I was a bit confused :P and that's all really awesome everything you explained - I still think in places your intended meaning doesn't come through as strong as you'd probably like, which is a shame because you have great ideas behind your words! But particularly in the last two stanzas I think it could be made clearer. I think that could be solved with a bit of...refining? It still feels quite raw. Maybe that's also because of the different length of the last stanza - it feels a bit abrupt and unfinished.
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