There's no freezing here, no,
the seasons won't allow it because of
this -- can't you hear it?
This shift of sight from day to night
the sound of queen that bows to knight
two minds two hands two heads two hearts
tick-tock hello.
This shift of sight from day to night
the sound of queen that bows to knight
two minds two hands two heads two hearts
tick-tock hello.
5 comments:
I'm a little dissatisfied with this. I wouldn't say it's one of my favourites of yours. I wasn't too keen on the line break of "the seasons won't allow it because of / this" I didn't think that it was necessary, and found that every time I read it, it jarred me out of the piece straight away.
I did, on the other hand, really like the line "This shift of sight from day to night", because it really captured the shift in seasons in such a vivid way. I think it's the word "shift". It just works so well. And also the rhyme was really effective.
But then I thought the rhyme of "night" and "knight" was kind of weak. Since this is a poem about such drastic changes in the season and the line before that was contrasting day and night, I thought that having such a similar word to rhyme on was counteractive and contradictory.
Actually, for some reason the whole line "the sound of queen that bows to knight" bothered me. I have no idea what that would sound like and I thought that it was to abstract to lend anything constructive to the piece. You want to work with more tangible imagery. Especially since the last two lines were fairly confusing. I know you're working with a binary, and that in itself is a really good thing to work with and continue playing with, but the final result of this fell a little flat. I won't lie. I was confused as to what the ultimate motive of the poem was.
I like this, and I agree with Marta that it isn't one of your best, but I actually like the line "the sound of a queen that bows to a knight." There isn't really a sound, just a quiet rustle, but in that silent moment there can be big changes (I'm assuming she's knighting this guy, or maybe it's a quiet romantic gesture of forbidden love!! lol girly imagination, I know). Same with the shift from daytime to nighttime, and with marshes. Everything about this poem seemed to be quiet.
I thought that the line "this -- can't you hear it?" worked really well, the way it was enjambed. It was as if the speaker was hushing himself to try to listen. It makes the reader stop to listen to all these silent images.
I didn't like the lines "This shift of sight from day to night" and "two minds two hands two heads two hearts." The day to night thing was kind of sing songy for me, and the two minds, etc. felt kind of out of place. And the last line was probably my least favourite...it suddenly broke the silence.
Hahaha I love how Andrea and I are nearly completely opposite :P I agree with a lot of what she says though. I guess it all depends on what you want to put across in this piece then. (Work with the silence in my opinion, I think that could make it turn out really strong)
Have you been read Charles G.D. Roberts too? I like the internal rhyme of sight and night.If the queen is the moon and the knight is the sun then I understood your metaphor and I like it.
I remember reading this earlier, because it was a scheduled post and I had just discovered we can do that and I remember thinking that from "the shift of sight" up to "tick-tock hello." was great even though I can't be entirely sure what you're referring to. I thought of children and Alice in Wonderland.
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