Ok so these were hastily done. I don't even know if I like them. But I guess their better than nothing...or maybe not.
Loneliness turning to spite
as a couple dances within oblivion.
Her mouth tasting of envy,
although the facts never clear.
They had just met;
He, looking for romance
She, looking for a good fuck.
Neither ended up being satisfied.
Existence of Words,
slipping through sand
As the trees of silk sway,
within the moist air.
Sounds echo,
they carry out to uninvolved ears,
to whom the noise sounds like music.
A tuneless orchestra sit within the inner ear canal
waiting for a cue,
one which never comes.
2 comments:
1st poem:
I hate to say it, but it's a little bit emo :P If you wanted to continue with it, I think you could expand on the "she" in the beginning, and what in particular she is jealous of - add concrete details that would spur her jealousy. What is he doing with his hands? What kind of looks are on their faces? What dance are they doing? Slow, close, fast, sexual?
What I liked was the inversion of expectations in that HE was looking for romance and SHE was looking for a good fuck. I thought that was the strongest point, so maybe if you worked on that? I found like the piece had a schism between the first first five lines and the last four. The focus left from the original girl and began to evaluate the couple. So you could bring it back around to the girl in the end or modify it so that it doesn't seem so distant from each other.
2nd poem:
I thought that this one was really interesting! I want to know more about the "Existence of Words" and I think it was a great topic to cover. The imagery you evoked was great - particularly the "slipping through sand" and "within the moist air". I think those two lines really set the tone and feeling for the poem the most.
I thought that it ended almost too soon. I feel you could push it to be a longer poem and I would really like you to because I enjoyed it a lot :) Continue on about the existence of words in particular and how it relates to the music more. I think it's a great connection that you can really play with (I'm doing a final poetry project on the link between music and poems so I'm very enthusiastic about this relationship :P) Right now I still think that this is more an outline of what you want to write about. It felt like it had all the ideas, but they hadn't unfolded yet into all the brilliant lines I know you will be able to come up with!! I would actually really like to read this if you wanted to keep working on it :)
(Oh and just a small thing - in the third last line, I got tripped up at "sit" - I think it should be "sits", grammatically speaking.)
I think I will elongate the poem, see what I can do with it.
To be honest, I'm not to keen on the first one either.
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