First came the silence
Pure and deafening in it's gratefulness
No more, No more
Broken words Echoing
creating havoc from their own lies
A cycle, deadly in it's precision
a damn unbreakable cycle.
Sleepless nights filled with languid tears
Dreamless moments stolen from memory
Echoing images of silent suffering
terminating with blanketed fears
As scattered pieces of a broken courage
lie in a field of hallucinations.
Layers stripped away
leaving madness in it's wake
Tricking those who once believed
sensing those who no longer care
Silence brought in this disease
leaving behind a queer tranquility
No more dreams, imagination lost
Fallen, broken, vanished.
Disease became my hope
Inflicting contagious ideas
leading to a fatal action
concluded with a caged demise.
3 comments:
I couldn't even tell where one poem ended and the other began! It flowed really well as a whole. The beat of your poetry always makes me think of it as an incantation. I really like the lines "No more, No more/Broken words Echoing." It sort of reminded me of The Raven, but not in a bad way, but in a good way as a subtle allusion (intended?) that made the poem feel haunted by echoes, without being overly blunt about the reference.
My second favourite part was "As scattered pieces of a broken courage/lie in a field of hallucinations." It's such a good metaphor.
I have to say that I am thoroughly confused.
I think you should take a stab at writing a short story with all these words about discord and nastyness haha.
The poems sounded great together and gave me chills because of all the imagery.
I agree with Andrea - the two poems obviously meshed together quite well because it's absolutely seamless. I had to remind myself that there were actually two.
I love the image of "Sleepless nights filled with languid tears". Languid tears is just fantastic, as if you're so tired and apathetic that even your tears aren't making much of an effort to slide down your face. Just loved it, it really echoed the feeling of the poem perfectly. Such a beautiful, solid image.
One thing that did stick out though was the use of "damn" in the first stanza, last line. For some reason that level of vocabulary wasn't what I was expecting, it was suddenly very down to earth and casual whereas there is such an elevated diction everywhere else. There's sort of a really interesting tone of coolness when talking about all these devastating events - it's actually present in most of your poems, it's great! - but that broke that tone. In fact, I think the stanza would benefit from just knocking that last line off altogether. It becomes a little cluttered having "unbreakable cycle". It's not quite repetition, I mean you can have cycles that can be broken, but in the given context it can be assumed ("deadly precision" is very telling), so I think it could do without it.
I think what made the poems work so well together though was the repetition of dreaming and silence. It really worked well and reflected back on each other, also mirroring the effect of the cycle. It sort of looped back in an interesting way.
The last line bothered me a little though. I feel like "caged demise" is a bit clunky. Since you have so many abstract images throughout this piece, how about you just write the last line as "concluded with a cage"? It gives a concrete image to end with, which would also add to the sense that it is concluding and stopping right there.
Wait...hm. Okay that breaks the sense of a cycle then...it sort of stops dead. Ah. Okay now I'm on the fence about the ending with the previous theme of a cycle. While I like both, the "concluded" gives such a sense of finality that the idea of it continuing on after is a bit conflicting. I guess that's where it's clear that these were two separate poems. Hmmmm. Well. Stuff to think about I guess? :)
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