It turns its face, this dimensional being,
and tries to escape its oil encasements.
The paint strokes – painfully stroking each captured limb – enclose.
It tries to walk down and away but its legs trip
over its movements.
It curses the painter and shouts with a multi-faceted voice
that echoes in the still-framed reverberations blurring its form,
You can’t catch time!
But the painter is too busy trying to
to listen.
It tries to run
and the painter keeps on congealing its motions,
defining nothing to capture everything.
[This is my edit of the poem, if anyone happens to check it over :P]
Cubism
It cranes its face, this
subjective entity,
and tries to break its brush-slacked
cage.
Its form cracks as
the paint strokes –
painfully stroking each
captive limb –
enclose.
It tries to
stride, apart and
away, but its legs just
trip
over jagged stints of
instants.
It curses the
painter and spits with a
multi-sharded voice
that slaps against the
still-shot snaps of
jutted contours cutting out its
exoskeletal structure –
You can’t catch time!
But the painter is too
caught up trying to
to listen.
It is instead stabbed
in its spot like an
insect pin-stuck in a
collective box.
It tries to sprint for
escape
but its shark-straight line is
interrupted as
the painter keeps on
splicing
its progress, defining
nothing to capture everything.
5 comments:
"too busy trying to / to listen."
Is the repetition wanted?
Okay, so unfortunately I can't say I like this piece a lot at first glance. I think it's because I hate cubism and more abstract forms of art. Since the poem is essentially about that kind of cohesion-through-fragmentation (and the last line is very very good at saying that) well it doesn't really touch me that much.
I felt like the poem needed something more concrete so that the reader could follow a main image down the lines, because all it offers now is this vague shape trying to get out. But then again, the poem feels very well-woven, so you probably intended it to be abstract -- form and content unite! Also, it remains a good piece to work with for your project, there's a lot of room to deconstruct the lines, add material, take some off, change the focalization to the painter instead of the painted thing on the canvas, maybe you could even incorporate the real life subject of the painting (time, is it?), how it's being transfered onto something as concrete as paint on canvas.
So I realize that probably doesn't help much, it's more of a judgement of taste, really. I do have more particular criticism on the third line: "The paint strokes - painfully stroking each captured limb - enclose." I quite like most lines taken on their on, but not this one. It might be just a matter of reworking it so it doesn't end so abruptly, when I read it I expect to have a longer part after the dashes, the very short word is kind of awkward.
Can't wait to see how you're going to rewrite this piece though! It's an awesome idea!
Hmm. I don't have any in depth comments at the moment, but my initial impression is that this doesn't remind me of cubism at all. When I think of cubism, I think of something jagged and distorted, stilted. The figure in the painting, the way he's talking to the artist and stuff, feels too fluid. The poem is too held together and sensical. But you said that you plan on deconstructing it later...in which case I think this is a good model piece, the fluid one that gets taken apart the more intensely you apply cubistic elements.
There are a lot of words here that are really...not fluid, I can't think of think of the word. I guess legato as opposed to staccato: oil, reverberations, blurring, congealing. These all feel soft and full and fluid...the opposite of what I imagine when it comes to cubism.
"But the painter is too busy trying to
to listen." Hahaha I think this is ironic. Trying hard to listen but most people probably wouldn't notice the repeated "to." I know I didnt.
Overall I reserve any real judgement until I get a better glimpse at where this is going. Interesting concept though! :)
Wow! I'm too tired to comment anything very insightful, but I really like the edit. It's so jagged. The short lines help, of course, but the word changes are very clever. It's sharp, splintered: "jutted contours cutting out its / exoskeletal structure", "jagged stints of / instants", "insect pin-stuck" -- very harsh sounds that were exceedingly well, maybe a tad overused, but logical knowing what you're trying to do, especially in relation to the first version.
Oh! I was just going to click "publish" and I got a really good idea! Too make it even more cubist and jagged you should split words between lines, as in have half a word on one line and then the rest on the other. It would be cool with longer words. You'd have to try. Maybe it would just look like robot speech though. Good night.
Oh that's actually a really good idea! :D Thanks so much!
I love the edited version, and your choice of words. I love also the jagged way it reads. Well done!
Post a Comment