Hollowed from inside out
Always the little ones first
Lying there still
Laying upon un-dug graves
Cries heard from below
Barely alive, breathing in death
As it travels within the silence.
I'm not too sure about the last line, suggestions?
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4 comments:
Hmm...I agree that the last line feels a little awkward, I guess because I don't really get what it means. I think it would be better to cut it out entirely, or replace it with a new one.
The image of little ones is quite morbid. I like it.
ASMC. Considering the concreteness of the rest of the imagery in the poem, it was slightly more abstract. I think the "it" was ambiguous. Although I took it to mean death, for some reason as I read and reread the subject kept switching to something else and I had to keep reminding me that it was death you were talking about. Hm. Maybe that's just cuz I'm tired.
What I DO like a lot about it though is the fact that the poem begins and ends in silence, and that the last line says "as it travels within the silence", which could open up the poem to the possibility that all the words within the two "silence"s are pertaining to death. If you worked with that a bit more, or even introduced death sooner as being the focal point I think you could play with it a lot. So I'm conflicted about the last line. It's both awesome but needs tweaking.
Great imagery though - for some reason, I particularly liked the lines "Lying there still / Laying upon un-dug graves". I think that had so much that it said in what it what wasn't there, like "still" could refer to motionless or "they're still there". And your mind opens up graves beneath them with the un-dug graves, but they're actually lying there on solid ground. So it was an interesting way to play with perception. Particularly effective because it was such a short poem, but it took on so many different meanings :)
MSMC
I'm pretty sure Marta just stole everyone's comment and afterthought with that reply.
I'll be nickpicky and say the 'within' sounds out of place.
1. "nonbelievers"
2. un-dug graves made me shiver, but also just didn't sound right to me.
3. The entire piece didn't resonate well with me. The idea of burying someone or a family alive came across, but I didn't like it. Usually, I would love this kind of thing, but I don't think you made this strong enough. "Hollowed from the inside out" and "Barely alive, breathing in death" are contradictions about who seems to be the same subject and the cries imply a struggle of sorts. I feel like the idea could have been played with more and mastered.
I think you're stronger than this.
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