It has been long,
long ago since you've loved me.
I could reach across and take you back now.
We have witnessed each other
making love, and I weep for that moment,
a dirge should be sung for it's death.
How estranged can two people be from themselves,
from our past each others.
We are no longer lovers,
what do we share with each other,
now?
I know you
I see you
I can't hid either.
I am milking my cow, melancholy,
and now I drink the sweet milk of her udder.
How could I quote you, Nietzsche?
here in a poem about my lover?
You don't belong here.
Do you recall, Woman?
Our time together was sweet
and you tasted of ambrosia
and other godly things
and cigarettes.
Do you recall, Woman?
Our short past together. We can never make love again.
and that time is gone now
and that time will always be gone,
and I won't know you again.
Do you recall, Woman?
Our love together was good.
and it was slow
and it was quick
and I remember the quickening of our breaths.
Poly-rhythmic.
I recall, Woman.
I recall the time we went to the beach.
I recall our shoes abandoned in the dunes.
Do you know what I think?
I think we still have sand left in both our shoes.
7 comments:
I think the last few lines have potential to spawn another piece.
Although I like the feel of the piece, I felt like it was a little awkward to read. Nothing else to say really.
I love the swings in the love, the changes. Then the sand metaphor, like I said, should blossom into another piece.
I have to say I didn't see where this was going, to the sand reference Imean, it was really nice, well done.
I think also that you could do something else with your line, "I think we still have sand left in both our shoes." which I have to say is my favorite out of the piece.
I LOVE
"I recall the time we went to the beach.
I recall our shoes abandoned in the dunes.
Do you know what I think?
I think we still have sand left in both our shoes. "
I also really like
"It has been long,
long ago since you've loved me.
I could reach across and take you back now."
and
"How estranged can two people be from themselves,
from our past each others.
We are no longer lovers,
what do we share with each other,
now?"
and
"and I remember the quickening of our breaths.
Poly-rhythmic."
Wow Max, I am impressed at this poem,it wasn't graphic or crass or crude, it was just beautiful, and yes sexual, but honestly poignent and sincere. This is probably my favorite piece of yours.
So many great great lines/stanzas
and the way the words work with each other.
I think i like this piece too much to coherently comment and i know that's a lame excuse and I,m sorry.
Great job. Brava brava brava
thanks guys :) I agree it's awkward at times, I wrote it in five minutes. (actually)
Max, I still really like the last line (which you mentioned to us on Thursday), but I don't think it fit very well here. Knowing you had that line to start with, what comes before just seems like poor-quality filler to lead up to it, just to give it a context, but in my opinion no more emotional depth.
I liked a couple of things in the poem: "the quickening of our breaths / Poly-rythmic", "you tasted of ambrosia / and other godly things / and cigarettes." Some lines I found plain weird, however, like calling the girl "woman", saying that their "love together was good", and that he "could have reached across and take[n] [her] back now" -- I find it just makes it sound like caveman literature (honestly, Nietzche's cow doesn't help) and it clashes with the beauty and melancholy in longing which is in that last line and essentially underlies the content of the entire piece.
BASICALLY, I think you should rewrite this into a short prose piece with lots of dialogue and use the same final line, because it is a very good final line, no matter what.
C'est quoi les commentaires que t'as effacés?
j'aime beaucoup ton texte, ça me touche.
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