Hmm, I wonder what this one is about...
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE comment. I need the criticism.
If I have broken no bonds,
I have forsaken my people--
I know that like I know
Each of their names
As carved in the melancholy of granite
If my mind is a constant,
My beating heart betrays
with every step every hair every
spark of laughter
If I have favoured no one,
I have alienated their bodies
by letting my own tremble
at the battering of yearning souls
like two lovers in different cages
I am no traitor--
I am not even a man--
Allegiance is a survival mechanism
I never undertook.
So if I am mute beside your body,
Remember I am traitor;
Remember I give and
take away;
Remember I forsake--
and you will at least
have my memory
serve you well.
7 comments:
Okay I am giving you honest criticism because you asked for it. I feel that my poetry workshops have made me a bit more confident in critiquing poems so hopefully this won't be entirely random and will help somewhat and you won't hate me for being brutal.
First of all, I must say I love the enjambments in this. They make it flow really well and give it that swept-into-constant-motion feel so you can't really stop and have to keep going. But the actual word that the line breaks on is always really good because each line then has a distinct meaning, but as a whole it means something else as well. So it was great. Really pro :)
The second two stanzas are in particular really strong. "If my mind is a constant, / My beating heart betrays / with every step every hair every / spark of laughter" is fantastic. I just shiver every time I read it! (My favourite of the enjambments is the second last line into the last :) so so so good!!)
Sometimes I found it a little too abstract though. Like, although I find the second stanza really good, I have difficulty linking the ideas together, ie favouring no one somehow being linked to letting your body tremble like separated lovers. But those separate ideas and images are really great in their vividness, and if you integrated them so they transitioned into each other smoother I think it could be much more effective!
The fourth stanza confused me a bit. I found in comparison to the rest it was the weakest, probably because it seemed like it shifted the tone abruptly and took the meaning in a different direction than what I thought it was saying.
Which leads into my comment on the general content of the poem... I don't know exactly what it was trying to get across. Is it a specific "you and I" poem, or a broader "country and I" poem? I think if it was a bit less vague, if a few more concrete details were added for readers to use as brain-handholds (brainholds!) to latch onto as stepping stones through the stanzas (talk about a mixed metaphor, now look who's being vague :P), then it would clarify the message/story you're trying to tell.
One last less-than-positive comment, which is on the end of the poem. "Remember I forsake-- / and you will at least / have my memory / serve you well." Something about those lines bothers me, particularly the last two. I feel like grammatically it's an awkward structure or phrasing, which I know is something you can play with in poetry, but in this instance I felt like it took away from the power it could have had and should have had as an ending. I don't know. Maybe this is me being weird. But also the "you" comes in for the first time and it shifts the tone considerably, which was somewhat problematic in the clarity again.
But in all I enjoyed this! There were a lot of lines that I really liked in and of themselves, like "Allegiance is a survival mechanism / I never undertook." is awesome - and the whole second stanza as I said is just phenomenal! And "I know that like I know / Each of their names / As carved in the melancholy of granite" has such a nice image and feeling. And "If I have favoured no one, / I have alienated their bodies" is such a beautiful mental image, I'd love to have a poem written about that alone it's such a fantastic concept of alienating by universally accepting! Oh man it blows my mind :D and the second half of that stanza, although I am not too fond of how they fit together, is brilliant in itself - the visual of two lovers in different cages is extremely strong and lends a whole onslaught of meaning in an extremely economical use of words.
So yes. Hope you aren't devastated by my comment. God it's quite the lengthly critique! Hope it all makes sense. Just ask if you want clarification :P I'm tired and probably am not making sense at least somewhere in this.
Glorious. Just glorious. That critique is exactly what I was looking for! Thank you, Marta. Off to the editing room with this.
Excellent piece Bernard, I think it's about Jesus. I am reading your stuff in an attempt to define your style. I must read on. oh and how do you normally start an Idea?
Oh, I don't. I just kind of grab them by the tail when they run into my backyard.
LOL! Most unhelpful, ambiguously vague way of putting it ever, Bernard :P I approve!
At least it fits his style of writing
I really enjoyed and liked this piece. "As carved in the melancholy of granite." is a great line and image, it made me think of tombstones. the second and third stanzas however seemed slightly out of place, though i like them in and of themselves, like marta said maybe a need for better transitions? The line "Allegiance is a survival mechanism I never undertook." is excellent as well.
What it made me think of overall was a country and I poem, a lament of a deserter, or a draft dodger, or just somone who wasnt there for his country when it needed him, wasnt what his country needed.
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