This morning, a gorgeous summer's day,
Painted a colourful memory soon tinted
By a realization.
Walking in a park on the first day of summer
Always a nice thing to do.
It reminds me of how alive the world is;
How everything breathes.
The common garden.
So many flowers planted,
Roots barely sunken into the dirt,
Yet enough for them to grow
And in a moment of joy
(jealousy?)
I pulled at the common stem of Forget-me-nots
Thus making the roots breathe air.
I thought to myself
"These flowers breathe no more"
I felt the satisfaction of taking life the first day of summer
Because it is mine to live now.
5 comments:
Wow. I like this a lot. And it seems your endings are back with the punch they usually have! I must say I thought the beginning needed a bit of work though - I don't know why but the flow bothered me a bit. Or maybe just the line "Walking in a park on the first day of summer / Always a nice thing to do." It seems a bit redundant and just...jammed in there (that'swhatshesaid). I'd take it out and just continue from "By a realization" to "It reminds me of how alive the world is". But I love love love the imagery this brings to mind, of picking the forget-me-nots and seeing the roots pulled out. "These flowers breathe no more". AWESOME.
Agreed. I removed it in the version i posted on my blog.
I agree with Marta about taking out the line "always a nice thing to do." The flow of the piece bothered me too.
I really like this, well done (although I also agree with the ladies about some weird lines). But why "basket"?
My titles are very rarely relevant to the pieces I write and HRC should know that very well, yes? :P
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