A long way gone (Last post)

Other than the title of a book I highly recommend, a long way gone is where I feel I've gone in my life in the last three years. It's an amazing thing time. It's incredible how before you know it, you're twenty years old and in university. I can't even imagine what it'll feel like when I'm forty.

When I look back at the last three years, I tend to think that things have not gone well for me. I grudgingly gave up on being a doctor, too soon for me not to regret it. Or at least think about it every once in a while and wonder. I've gone through a languages degree and have spoken barely any Spanish and no German since I stopped taking classes. I am studying English Literature as I try to get into creative writing and yet they've refused my admittance to the program each time I've applied. I started smoking marijuana. The list goes on.

Depression is a terribly clingy disease because as the saying goes, just when you think you've gotten out, it pulls you back in. Fighting it is a drawn out ordeal which is exhausting because it is a lengthy process which never seems there is an end in sight. At first, it takes hold of you completely and you become disinterested in everything. You stop going to class because you can't see why you should. You stop going to the movies because you can't see why you should. You almost stop leaving the house because you just can't see how anything you do will make any impact on your own well being or that of any other being. Or at least I felt that way.

The biggest danger of it all in my opinion is that when you become unproductive because you are so closed in, you start being told you are not doing things properly, because you aren't, and you start to doubt you ever could do things properly again. You get bad grades, you write bad essays, you can't pass a learner's permit exam, you can't make mashed potatoes for god's sake. You lose confidence in yourself and you suddenly can't be successful because you don't think you can be. You feel stupid, you feel impotent and you feel like you're a nuisance. Often, you are sad and either you feel like you weren't happy since the last time you were sad or you are just sad too often. Or at least I felt that way.

But all in all, when I look at my last three years, I can hardly say it's been all bad. In the summer of 2007, I went to Peru on a humanitarian aid trip/vacation with money I mostly raised with the scouts. The summer after, I went to Vancouver with the same scouts and we fund raised the trip completely. Last September, my sister moved back to Montreal after six years in Calgary. I've haven't become a bitter person. In the last two years, I've been a student while working and being a cub scout leader which is quite a handful. Lately, I've started to take an interest in learning to cook. Baby steps are the key. It's funny how when things are going badly, you think of other times and when things are going well, you don't think at all.

I'm getting better. Slowly. I've stopped smoking marijuana, I've attended classes on a regular basis, I've left the house and gone to meet friends and I've recently started eating well again and exercising some. I got my learner's permit today. But I am a long way gone from the happy about my life person I was and I need to keep getting better before I will be better.

There are a few reasons I'm telling you these things.

Firstly, if anyone feels depressed, then perhaps they can relate (sometimes it is hard to tell when people are depressed, I just learned a few days ago that one of my two best friends is feeling like I did at the beginning of my depression.

Secondly, because sharing helps. It's too much to handle by yourself. Doesn't matter who you are.

Thirdly, I want to tell you that this will be my last post as a regular member and while I might post every once in a while, I need to cut some small things out of my life. I have a tendency to bite off more than I can chew and it isn't good for me.

Lastly, don't worry too much about me if that's what you're feeling. I am a strong person with a strong mind. I know what I want and I will get it in time.

Tanks for reading,
Francis