(I litterally wrote about 10 pieces and had to decide which to post.
I posted the rest of them on my blog
iamabearonaboat.blogspot.com
Go check there. This one is called Hyperventilation Defence Mechanisms)
I inhale
I lift my left hand to my face
I examine it
All the cracks in my skins
A palmreader's dream
I exhale
I run my fingers
Up and down my left hand
Letting my index into
The dents in my palm
I inhale
I flip my left over
Staring at my fingertips
Making my way down to my wrist
I exhale
My right index and middle fingers
Search for a pulse in
My wrist
I inhale
I take the blade
I won't regret this
I exhale
One thin strip
The room spins
I inhale
What have I done?
I exhale
The dents in my palm deepen
I inhale/I exhale What
I inhale/I exhale Have
I inhale/I exhale I
I inhale/I exhale Done?
I inhale
I exhale
I exhale
I exhale
I inhale
I exhale
I exhale
I exhale
Exhale
Exhale
EXHALE
EXHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALE
The quiet falls where
The quickened breaths
Once claimed as theirs
My tongue hits my pallette
As my body hits the floor
The silence I've always wanted.
shh.
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8 comments:
Okay. Aside from deeply disturbing, this post is great. So great. I love the calm to it. It's all just so eerily calming. There's no pressure, there's nothing 'pushing down', there's no regret, or feeling that's being battled. It's not even a resignation. It's just a decision, carried out slowly.
I love the 'shh' at the end. I don't know why. I think it's because it *could* have been 'ahh'. But it wasn't.
I really like the stylistic use of "I inhale" and "I exhale". It provides a real solid grounding for the piece, and a great contrast for the end when "The quite falls where/The quickened breaths/Once claimed as theirs".
I am also intrigued by the line "All the cracks in my skins", with the plural there at the end. It makes me think of a snake, with all its layers of skin...I'm totally Libbie interpreting that as all the cracks in the protective skins he's placed about himself, the masks he wears.
As Tabia said, deeply disturbing, but great.
Oh, my!
Thank you Jess for noticing the "skins" line.
I thought that would have gone unnoticed
I like the pace/speed that the inhale/exhale repetition sets, the rythm, although I don't think I can exhale that many times.
As my body hits the body...like a body of a person, or a body of water...
Good rhythm and flow. You did well with the increased dramatic crushing tension. Unlike Tabia, I read it as building up and not quite slowly carried out, but...hm. It definately built up a lot. It got faster as soon as you started getting to the list of "I exhale"s. It was good. I liked it that way. Also like the focus on the hand and, as Jess said, the stylistic use of the I inhale / I exhale.
Four things I particularly liked:
1. "A palmreader's dream"
2. The "EXHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALE"
3. "My tongue hits my pallette / As my body hits the body"
4. shh.
Epic ending as usual :) And I like how the shh isn't capitalized. It makes it seem that much less significant, that much more submissive, and entirely like the end.
Actually that should have been "The body hits the floor"
Oh, the dramatism! I like this a lot, the rhythm was great and I like how the narrator seemed...absent minded, almost? And yet so methodical.
"The quiet falls where
The quickened breaths
Once claimed as theirs"
Yeesss! And "shh" (obviously :P)
I feel this way sometimes, so frustrated that things so basic like the size of my palm, my clentched fist seems like the strangest part of my body. Like the most bizarre extension. My nails digging onto my skin because I'm so frustrated.
I skip the blade part though.
But when I realize how angry I am, sometimes it just doesn't make sense, and I feel like everything dissolves.
I LIKE THIS.
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