Never again
but oh
just once
just once more
Your hands
don't touch me!
but I miss them
their warmth
Your voice
your laughter
I miss the music they were to my ears
Desert soundscape without that liquid music noise
But I don't
Don't want you
Don't need you
Don't miss you
Don't even
think of you
Not
lying
Not lying alone
in bed
remembering how you lay beside me
how I fell
fell asleep in your arms
and woke up with them still around me
your caressing hands
No, no I don't remember that
Don't imagine that
As I fall asleep
don't hope to dream of...
No
not you
You are never in my thoughts
or dreams or secret, denied imaginings
My lips
have forgotten
your name
your taste
My skin has forgotten the feel of yours
My eyes don't see you in every passing stranger
hoping they'll turn around-into you
I don't miss you
no
not at all
Never
never ever again
but oh
just once
just once more
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6 comments:
Wow! Many great lines in here.
"Not lying; not lying alone in bed." Great double meaning.
And I very much like the term soundscape. I'd never heard it before.
I am much in love with this piece. To begin with, I completely understand what I think you're tryin to convey - I've done what your narrator does, with the forced forgetting; that third-to-last stanza hits home particularly.
I just...wow, I really have nothing coherent to say about this piece. It's got such beautiful lines, such an amazing message...
I'm not sure exactly how to critique it, to be honest.
Okay so like I said to Bernard, I kind of suck at critiquing poems, so I'll just say I liked the lines "I miss the music they were to my ears / Desert soundscape without that liquid music noise" - great imagery. Also liked the double meaning Francis mentioned of lying and lying in bed. And "My eyes don't see you in every passing stranger". I don't know why I liked that line but I do. It was a resigned sounding line - like, you really are forgetting and it's the slow process of the memories decaying.
One critique though - I'm not so much a fan of the exclamation point after "don't touch me!" Seeing as there isn't any other punctuation, it seems out place and a bit...too forced with the drama. Your words are strong enough to carry it without it. Other than that good!
Not
lying
Not lying alone
in bed
Oh my goodness. Oh my oh my. This is just plain wonderful. I love the repetition, it's everywhere and it just feels so internal and ranty yet grounded. It's just so conflicting, that's, I think, my favourite. That it's accusative, that it's reflective, that it's lonely, that it's angry. And it meshes together and works really well as a whole.
And of course, denial is sprinkled in for good luck :)
LOVE the denial in this one. The rhythm is great with the way you break up your lines, and like Francis said, the play on "lying" was just excellent.
The only thing I didn't quite like was the line "I miss the music they were to my ears..." because I thought it was a bit cliche, but the imagery that followed was so original and wonderful! Also, the stanza that went through all the body parts...awesome!
"I don't miss you
no
not at all."
I love how this line is such a lie. Such a capital lie.
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