...And When She Tells Me She Loves Me, I'll Act Surprised.

Discipline.
My mother always told me,
"If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all."
and my teachers always said,
"It's important to be critical."
and my head has always been split down the middle,
hoping someday there will be a reaction that
will allow me to stare at an imperfection
and smile at it, like it doesn't need work.

Can we keep our hands
from feeding, feeling, facing?
Can we keep our tails
from waving, waiting, watching?
Can we keep our eyes
from looking, losing, lying?
Can we keep our legs
from collapsing under the pressures of walking
day to day on the same streets
up the same hills
while whispering,
"this is just a bad transition
in a series of small mistakes
and although 'real life' sprung itself on me so soon
I keep my hands shut and my mouth tied
as I trust these 'professionals' with my future"?

(I think the problem is that I know what I want.)

I want to make others feel invincible,
like they can do anything they want,
just like when speech and emotion convey the feeling
of a japanese girl, raped by 50 men in a day,
who then forces herself
to dive headfirst into a brick wall,
bringing me to tears, whispering
an apology that should not come from me,
but from humanity, entirely.

This makes me feel like I can change things.

I can change the world.
I can change this small part of the world.
I can change my school.
I can change my group of friends.
I can change my family.
I can change my room around.
I can change my clothes.
I can change...
right?
I can change, right?

I can change the way things happen.
(I don't mean revolution but evolution.)

Consider this my brick wall.
Consider my life's work and the rejections my 50-man rape.
Consider my small moments of invincibility my biggest moments of vulnerability.
Because I am in love with this brick wall,
and I will keep throwing myself at it,
until it opens its arms and sings me to sleep
as I whisper "I did it" in the most quiet triumph.

I can change "I did it" to mean "I am it"
or "I beat it" or "I won" or "finally"
but that feeling will remain.
Because, to me, it's just a matter of time
before that brick wall holds me close, says my name and sings me a lullaby.