Today, I realized that I'm an angry man.
I tricked myself into believing that I was just
"tired".
But I let myself go for five seconds
and felt the hate.
Hate for being tricked by myself and
others.
Hate for knowing what I want and being
blocked.
Hate for hate being able to get to
me.
Hate for knowing that I still think about the
off switch that everyone supposedly has
for their brains.
Life doesn't work that way.
At least, not in my experience.
Maybe I need that off switch.
Or maybe I need to yell and scream
and beat my chest, jump around,
and aimlessly punch amongst people.
Maybe it'd be best if I took a vow
of silence.
---
---
---
Maybe maybe maybe. Fuck.
I wish I had some kind of clarity.
Some kind of certainty.
But I don't and some tell me
"That's life."
and I don't want to believe them.
Nor do I agree.
Because people who stop themselves
at "that's life" and never question "Why?
Why is that life?" should abstain
from conversation with me.
I need my friends to share the night,
a cold, cold night,
laying in sharp grass in a park
staring at the few stars we can see
in this city,
talking about "Why?" instead of
having awkward silences after a
quick and short "That's life."
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4 comments:
It's nice to have someone else posting on Heart Rape, and as usual it's a pleasure to read you — albeit that pleasure is mingled with an uncomfortable wince.
This is very raw and painful in a heartfelt, spur of the moment, "my wounds are still bleeding profusely and I can't even see the moment where they'll be scars" kind of way, which is not usually something I appreciate — and yet, that ending was really great. The communal bonds, the images of the "sharp grass" (read fast and almost saw "sharp glass") and "the few stars we can see in this city" were beautiful, and although not redemptive or soothing, comforting, in a way.
I like how you turn the pain and hatred into a question, instead of fact, to make it more bearable, because it turns it not into a wall but an exploration, it multiplies the meanings, allows for a tiny pinprick of optimism to possibly shine through.
I miss you, you're awesome.
I really love the last stanza Mike.
I think I know how you feel, I've been in situations where I try to let myself off, excuse my behaviour with *tired* and I've been in situation where I really need to TALK, and people cut me off with "that's life" but it shouldn't be, and why and what can I do, and then the next cut-off is "well life isn't fair" those two phrases are phrases I hate, not just because they seem defeatist, but because they block all further conversation.
I think I know how you feel...
ps I commnted on Plea
as anonymous btw
Yeah, Emlyn. I hate "Life isn't fair". The thing is, we all know this feeling at some point and another.
This is just me freaking out about life and wanting to see HeartRapeClub in person before snow takes over the parks and we can't stare up and talk about stuff. Like Marta will talk about what's up in space and Jess will debate with her, Tabia would say stuff like "wow...this is...wow" and then make a reference to skins.Charles would make a classy sex reference and Max will take it and make it vulgar, while Jordano turns it into a philosophical question. Emlyn would enjoy this idea, sit in silence, contemplating her answer for Jordano and when she delivers it, he'll stay silent and comtemplate it. Andrea would break the silence with a joke. Davina would then tell some kind of creepy chaotic story that freaks me out and I'd ask Francis to tell us one of Francis Bacon's adventures. And he'll begin, while Bernard plays guitar behind it and serenades us with a seldom remember The Beatles song when Francis is done. Audrey would know that song and correct him when he stumbles on the lyrics.
I'd be happy then.
Mike that's so perfect. You guys should meet up and bring a computer so I can skype in.
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