I really like this. The short lines work extremely well with it. Oh man. Really like this. The flow is fantastic, as are the choices of words. The way you go about explaining what's going on is done subtly, but clearly. The tone of voice of the speaker is strong and conveys everything the words masterfully omit to leave to interpretation.
Excellent transitions from beginning to middle to end. The last three lines were particularly good.
I actually have nothing bad to critique about this! Fail editor :P But in my opinion this is perfect as it is. Excellently done.
The breaking up of the lines helps make this feel robotic. Suicide = selfish. But at the same time, I feel like this was done before. Maybe you had shown me something similar or we discussed this topic a while ago (or maybe I'm thinking of one of my own pieces..:S)
3 comments:
not sure how i feel about this...
another mess for me to clean, seems so callous, and crass almost...
I really like this. The short lines work extremely well with it. Oh man. Really like this. The flow is fantastic, as are the choices of words. The way you go about explaining what's going on is done subtly, but clearly. The tone of voice of the speaker is strong and conveys everything the words masterfully omit to leave to interpretation.
Excellent transitions from beginning to middle to end. The last three lines were particularly good.
I actually have nothing bad to critique about this! Fail editor :P But in my opinion this is perfect as it is. Excellently done.
The breaking up of the lines helps make this feel robotic. Suicide = selfish. But at the same time, I feel like this was done before. Maybe you had shown me something similar or we discussed this topic a while ago (or maybe I'm thinking of one of my own pieces..:S)
idk
love you.
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