This is done a la style du Audrey. I am not quite sure how accurate I got it.
It seems that I have always walked through these halls, with slow, paced movements. I never took notice of the objects that surround me until now, when none of them holds any importance. I laugh at the irony of me missing this place, a place that inhabited for five years. Five years and not once did I ever enjoy my stay here.
The memories keep playing through my head, all jumbled within each other. I can’t help myself but to take a peek in the teacher’s lounge, I have always wondered what resides beyond that mystical door. I can assure you that it is no Narnia. I leave that corridor, highly disappointed yet still in awe how all these years later, nothing has changed.
I changed from those days long past, yet walking back here seems like a time-warp. The same feelings attack me as they did back then, feelings of care-freeness and freedom. I might not have seen it then, but those were some of the best days that I would ever have. High-school was my peak, and from there I just kept doing the minimal.
So now I stand here, mop in one hand, bucket in another. Starting the first day of the rest of my life, never escaping these four walls.
4 comments:
Loved the twist. However, I felt the way you broke up the story didn't help it. For example, I would have inserted a line break or made a new paragraph for the Narnia line (which I liked btw). It would have given the reader time to think about the lounge a bit more and then next paragraph "Its no Narnia" and boom, change in tone.
Another inconsistancy was the tone, or at least I felt like there were shifts.
I liked the concept, but I think, knowing what you are capable of, editing this even slightly could make it better.
Still well done though.
oh oh oh...
heartraped at the end :p
I do usually put stuff like "I can assure you,
that is no Narnia"
on separate lines...
I'd say this is pretty good, considering I have no idea what my own style is like,
my only comment would be that it's usually a lot more self reflective and broken up...and I don't say things like
"The memories keep playing through my head, all jumbled within each other", I usually would just say like "It's like that first date with Sally Mosen by my locker all over again."
agree with Mike heart-rape at the end. I don't know Aurey's style well enough to comment on accuracy, some lines reminded me of her though.
I like the Narnia line and the twist at the end a lot. Wasn't expecting that at all. Like Emlyn though, I don't really know Audrey's writing enough to give any other comments :(
The concept is good and I can imagine it being extended well.
Post a Comment