(burn me into heaven til
I'm only ash on ground
sweep me through the courtyards that
my soul had never found
listen to the wind until
I'm wild and done and free
hold aloft those knotted arms
no more to capture me
sing alone a funeral dirge
--o be my mourning dove
and leave me to the skies of love.)
and
(but oh, the sheer joy of it !
when he
left the hollow ear of the dining room
abandoned the spirits clutching and
seizing at the windowpanes--
walked
out
and when knees
came to the ground
let his lips frost with snow and
drank and
drank and
drank)
7 comments:
"walked/out/and when knees/came to the ground/let his lips frost with snow and/drank and/drank and/drank."
I claim genius.
The first part is magnificent. It is reassuring in a way.
The second one can be interpretted in a number of ways, I imagine, but the last part (see above) just blew my mind.
I claim genius for that bit.
I love the end too. It's quite good indeed. I think it's the mental image that's so epic...it gives so much from so little, and just evokes a really satisfying feeling. Fantastic end to leave off on.
I'm not too sure why there are parentheses held together by an "and" though... The parentheses are alright, but the "and" bothers me. I feel like it should be some other word stringing it all together to integrate it more effectively. Right now it takes away from the flow rather than facilitating it. At least that's how I see it. I think it's because the first word of the next stanza is "but"... "and / but" sounds strange.
However I must also note that I do enjoy the subtle rhymes of the first stanza! I'm not a rhyme fan, but it worked here. Although the "dove" and "love" was a bit of an unoriginal rhyme... But still. In general it worked! And the second stanza was my favourite :)
I guess some clarifications are in order--they're two separate poems, so the "and" is really just that. I had no desire to connect both, so I just stuck 'em together because, quite sadly, I had nothing better this week...
Also, the last one is a complete, complete ripoff--stylistically--of Leonard Cohen's "Dance Me To The End Of Love". I figured I would keep the last two line-rhymes to fully remove the possibility of ever publishing this anywhere else.
HAHA!!
Okay that's perfectly alright then! :D And makes better sense. And whether or not it's a ripoff, the second poem is friggen awesome.
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