First piece for this blog...exciting. Just want to let you know that this is a piece I wrote for my creative writing class, so please, feedback is appreciated.
I regret to inform,
That the child inside of me,
Has died.
I had a small funeral,
Black ribbons were worn,
I did not attend.
Do not be alarmed,
It is not a sad tale,
I simply moved on,
And left her stranded on the trail.
I sold my soul for a salary,
Chained myself to a desk,
Fought for the cubicle by the window,
Hoping for some sunlight,
Or maybe a view,
For my new life.
High powered everything,
With a husband I don’t see,
I think of kids of my own,
But they annoy me.
Everything is business,
A number to crunch,
Efficiency is key.
What a story of denial,
Thinking of the child,
And his dreams,
I had put to sleep.
The truth is,
This is fiction,
Perhaps a warning to the world,
Of what not to murder,
In order to never be.
7 comments:
"I regret to inform,
That the child inside of me,
Has died.
I had a small funeral,
Black ribbons were worn,
I did not attend."
LOVE!
And then
"I sold my soul for a salary
Chained Chained myself to a desk,
Fought for the cubicle by the window,
Hoping for some sunlight,
Or maybe a view,
For my new life."
Really really good. Great social commentary, all the more tragic because of the line "It is not a sad tale". Because that's when you know there's something wrong with the world, when you can't even feel remorse for something like this. I'm not sure how I feel abou the partial rhyming and false rhyming in the part from "With a husband I don't see" until "And his dreams". That whole section. Just because it doesn't seem to flow as well seeing as the rest is strictly non-rhyming.
But I really like the ending: "This is fiction / Perhaps a warming to the world / Of what not to murder / In order to never be"
Really strong. Well done for not writing poetry that much :D You see, you're a poet, you just don't know it!
I like this.
Very well done.
Cynical.
My style of doing things :P
The first six lines are delicious. I really like the addition of "I did not attend" - the narrator is just so matter-of-fact about it all, not mourning anything, no regrets, and it just serves to make the poem all the more sad.
"Fought for the cubicle by the window" is great, too, because it, to me, says "there's still hope for this poor soul!"
And then there are just so many well-written lines, like "And left her stranded on the trail" and "High powered everything" and "Of what not to murder/In order to never be."
Really good. I loved that the narrator didn't attend the funeral, and how non-chalantly everything is described.
"Everything is business,
A number to crunch"
Nice!
Excellent critique. Like Mike said, very cinical, I find it effective.
really strong piece
This I found was so...morbid. In such an innocent way. I like that it doesn't rhyme the entire time, just goes on and off. It works tremendously well. Will have to say Marta stole my comment, though.
I like how there's no actual person *to* inform. The whole piece is just spoken aloud, to no one in particular. Really adds an edge to it.
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