I want to
speed up the post.
I want to send my letter, send my words, send my voice across oceans and reach the ears of the powerful and mighty. I want to strike hopes in the hopeless and send my ideas across timelines and change Ancient Greece. I want to transcend a notion of love into lyrics and have a song that lasts until the very last human heart beats on this earth.
I want to
speed up time.
I want to stop playing games and get straight to the good stuff. I want to stop sending mixed signals and rearranging double entendres so they stand right side up in the microwave. I want to skip moments of hesitation, mixing feelings of trepidation, get straight to the part where everything goes according to plan and everything has worked out.
I want to
taste happiness.
Every possible emotion relatable to it. I want to taste guilty pleasure, and blend it in a smoothie with ecstasy and contentment. I want euphoria in berry shapes and pride in grapes. I want the liquid of delight poured onto a bowl of satisfaction and gratification, topped with an orgasm in cherry form.
I want to
swallow you whole.
I want to know you inside and out. Open you up and jump right in. No looking back. I want to fall in love with you and realizes it's too late when it's too late.
6 comments:
For some reason I'm having difficulty with the authenticity of this piece. I don't feel like there is enough feeling behind the words, or that it's heartfelt enough, or something - it sounds like the speaker is just trying to make it sound like they know love rather than express what they're actually feeling. Perhaps it's the naivety/innocence of it. That and there are a lot of generalities evoked through words like "time" and "happiness" and "guilty pleasure" and "mixed signals/feelings" and even the word "emotion". These have been used so much in writing that their essence and value have been diluted, sadly, so they do not give the punch they should. In writing a piece where you're only focusing on describing love and falling in love, you want to make sure you avoid those generalities as much as possible to make it unique since it's a really common subject.
I also wasn't sure how I felt about the transition of the narrative, or rather the narrative being told by the speaker's voice. I think this goes back to the authenticity problem I have though. I feel like the speaker is someone really innocent - and this is clear from the first two parts - and yet in the last two paragraphs there are some very sexual images that I don't feel match up to said innocence. Particularly sentences like "I want to taste guilty pleasure, and blend it in a smoothie with ecstasy and contentment" give mixed imagery - there is the mundaneness of a smoothie and the simple emotion of contentment juxtaposed with the extremely strong word and sensation of ecstasy. Not only that but it immediately made me think of actually putting MDMA in a blender and going for one hell of a trip, so you should watch the connotation the word "ecstasy" brings up :P Maybe I could have ignored that possible reference to drugs, but then it just got more and more suggestive of maturer themes ("I want the liquid of delight poured onto a bowl of satisfaction and gratification, topped with an orgasm in cherry form" and "I want to swallow you whole. I want to know you inside out. Open you up and jump right in."), so I wasn't sure what to think anymore and found that essentially it just wasn't matching up properly.
Also, I felt that it was a little bogged down with unnecessary words that were on the redundant side and sort of took away from the impact of having one word when you actually have two doing the same job. For example, "I want to skip moments of hesitation, mixing feelings of trepidation, get straight to the part where everything goes according to plan and everything has worked out" - hesitation and trepidation are two words that are pretty similar, with only a slight nuance of difference between them not enough to differentiate them more. The fact that they're so similar looking as well makes it seem visually repetitive. That and "everything goes according to plan" and "everything has worked out" are basically just saying the same thing, so I would suggest choosing either one or the other. Then there's "ecstasy and contentment" and "satisfaction and gratification", both of which are pretty much synonymous to one another. So I think if you were more economical with your word choices you could definitely make this stronger!
Again, I have to say, I think you'd work better dealing with specifics. Right now it's just blatantly throwing this idea at readers rather than showing. It's really abstract - none of the sentences can be taken literally and as such are difficult to really relate to. It's okay to have abstract, so long as there is the concrete mixed in every so often, as well as the specificity of voice. You should avoid the universal, since love is ridiculously subjective.
All that said though, I did very much like the last line. It brings things into perspective and is the least romantic line of the piece, ironically, simply because it does not romanticize: "and realize it's too late when it's too late" is a really a beautiful and simple way of putting it, and I really am impressed with this line. So well done on that :)!! Love it.
thought this was jess in the beginning, but then you broke the academic three...
JESUS MARTA.
Alrighty. I take that all into consideration, thank you. I actually wrote this weeks weeks weeks ago just to get the general idea down and dated it as a post, to be edited or postponed as I continued to write other things but as the weeks came along I didn't have time for either and it just went up. I will be trying to write the assignment for this week, no worries.
Also Emlyn....umm....things work without the academic three. And Jess and I both write the three, but if you'll notice we both break it, too.
yeah but jess will generally make a comment about breaking it. by the way it wasn't a criticism just an observational comment.
I also really like the breaking of the academic three. Thumbs. Up. So tired of it. Worked well in this case. Excellent choice.
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