Words, they flow
from opened lips to closed ears
Turned away heads
Ignorant ears attached to far away heads
Screams escalate as ears sew themselves shut
tears leek out
Vacant eyes, they don’t see
Glassy eyes that don’t hear
Sounds escape and tamper off
Mouths close from lack of words
Words, they flow
from opened lips to closed ears.
Words, they flow
passing indifference straight to ignorance.
2 comments:
Good transition looping back in on itself. The repetition at the end was very effective to make it a self-contained piece and ensure that the content kept on track and didn't stray too far away from the beginning. I like!
I thought that the words "eyes" and "ears" were used a bit too much though and it became somewhat repetitive. Since it's poetry you have the freedom to describe those things really uniquely and unexpectedly. So I think it's a great opportunity to let your mind go wild and see what you come up with!
Also I'm not sure if this is a mistake or not, but in the line "Glassy eyes that don't hear", I think you meant "see" not "hear"? It's a little odd if that's what you meant but yeah :P very well could be a mistake so I will not go on about it.
The short lines of only three words each worked really well to get a rhythm of the piece going. It was an excellent pace and made you feel perhaps more than read, which I think is really an interesting technique seeing as it's a poem about two particular senses. I think the repetition of "words" was really good, in contrast to the repetition of eyes and ears - something about it is great for that almost drum-like beat of reading. It's good.
Although there isn't a clear narrative, I don't think that it actually needs one. I found the feeling of it enough to keep me going and propelled through. So yes. It's good :)
I will begin by saying that I think this might be the worst Davina piece I've read so far.
Typo: leak* (that bothered me a little, because I pictured a leek, too. so that didn't help)
The overuse of the parts (heads, eyes and ears) irritated me. I think this piece could have been more succinct if you didn't go through the things that each can do and can't do.
I found a few lines to be awkward in placement (just one example: Ignorant ears attached to far away heads/ Screams escalate as ears sew themselves shut)
I also think that sewing is too gentle for the trouble the ears are going through to ignore. I think the bursting of eardrums would be much more appropriate.
Davina, overall, this lacks in the quality we know you're capable of.
Post a Comment