there's reason my lover
why we're undercover
when they're misconceiving
the beauty of not
redeeming the ticket
of undeserved time (it's
a bit disappointing
how little we've got)
but Night has forgotten
the keys to the rotten
old door of the day on
her dresser back home
and while she's still mumbling
and searching and stumbling
we'll pull close the moment
until we're alone
4 comments:
The rhythm is amazing. I can't read the piece without it.
It felt like a dance. A really good dance about a moment you don't want to end...like a really good dance. This was fabulous.
<3
mike
I absolutely love the rhyming. Great job!
really really really great beat/rythm. Loved it!
This is fantastic. Everyone seems to have covered the rhyming and rhythm so I'll just add that the images were fucking brilliant. Specifically "redeeming the ticket / of undeserved time" and the entire third and fourth stanzas. They really captured that feeling of stolen time, the undercover relationship of these two lovers as they sneak around the peripheries for as long as they can manage.
The only part I stumbled on was the transition between stanzas 1 and 2. At least for me, the line "the beauty of not" felt a little jarring.
Otherwise beautiful!
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