Hello, I really will try harder to post on my day. I'm not very good about it. Here are a couple of poems from my submission to the cbc literary awards. The submission (13 poems) was called "I Felt Very Alone" and the second one of these two is highly inspired/stolen from Tom Waits' song Jockey Full of Bourbon. The second stanza being the chorus.
7
Her eyes stare into mine,
from behind smudged veneer.
I’m sorry I can’t appreciate it.
Monkeys are our friends.
9
Hello bird, how are those worms,
Have you noticed how the wind turns.
It’s something strange, it’s something new
I’ll tell you something bird, we’re coming for you.
Oh, little birdy, you think that nest is study,
You can survive a breeze, how about disease,
Sweltering, heat, we’ll burn your feet.
We’re poisoning the trees; we’ll have you on your knees.
Hello bird, how are your young?
Did they enjoy that song you sung?
It’s incredible, they grow so fast.
Such a shame that they won’t last
Goodbye bird, your time has come,
It's no use to try and run,
May as well give your last day some worth,
We’re getting the entire earth.
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2 comments:
7:
I like this - it says a lot with a little. It's good that you focused on concrete images rather than abstract concepts. I find that short poems work best with as little abstraction as possible and this is no exception.
However, I didn't find that the last line lived up to what it could have been. I think I get what it's trying to say, but I still think that it should be rephrased somewhat to make it clearer what you want to say and to make the last line more resonant.
Otherwise I liked this a lot!
9:
Despite it being kind of dark, this still has the typical Francis whimsy in it that makes it special. The rhyming is very well done and I like the inner line rhyme of "breeze" and "disease". It was an interesting juxtaposition of words, one being so light and airy, and the other being laden down with heavy connotation. The same with "trees" and "knees". Trees strive high and tall, and yet by knees, and going down on them, it completely contradicts this. It might not always work, but in this case I thought that it was particularly successful. It mirrored the general dark-whimsy.
There was also a nice narrative movement throughout that I very much enjoyed. It began simply with the introduction of the bird and moved to what became the inevitable farewell of it. I found the last stanza a little on the weak side however. It was one of the few places that I felt the rhymes were more forced (the other being the last two lines of the third stanza). Perhaps it was because of the "come" with "run" - since birds don't really run, I thought it was a bit of an odd image and a little unnatural. Also the last two lines didn't work as rhymes for me - although I really liked the last line in and of itself.
Anyway - a very Francisesque poem! I am glad you posted it!!
#7 made me laugh and think about the speculations of the beginning of AIDS.
#9 reminds me of old, whimsical Francis. It could be in a Shel Silverstein collection called The Darker Shel (haha puns... :) ). The rhymes kept it light, so hearing it felt nice, but actually reading it made me want to slap whoever is torturing the birdy (aka nature )
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