Francis Bacon Part 5 + Epilogue

Quick recap: Francis Bacon and Buddy Bacon are searching the cemetery for the grave Buddy had robbed. In the cemetery, Francis is surprised by a familiar voice.

Francis Bacon was once frightfully startled and soothed when he heard the voice because he recognized it right away. The unusual combination of emotions resulted in very unusual circumstance. Francis had soiled himself a little and felt very happy. He asked quickly,

“What are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same question.”

“You could I suppose,”

“Well then, what are you doing here?”

“I’m investigating.”

“Oooh! Sounds fun, can I come along.”

Francis’ heart leaped and he tried to conceal his excitement but he was sorely unsuccessful. He answered in a previous unheard falsetto voice.

“Of course you can! Except, Miss Waitress, I’d like to know your name first.”

The waitress giggled at his shrill tone and then said,

”My name is Christina. But everyone calls me Tin.”

“Well, Tin, I’d be happy if you were to accompany me.

She skipped ahead and Francis found himself looking at her go. She realized he wasn’t following and turned to yell.

“Hey! I know I have a nice behind but we’re on a case here!”

The unexpected comment disarmed Francis. He blinked a few times not having done so in a little bit and smiled. He followed. The trio began to search the Jerry Dairy Cemetery as Francis told his recounted his story adding a few embellishments here and there to impress Christina. When Buddy finally recognized where he was in the cemetery, the prospect of another body’s worth of bones excited him terribly and he bolted down one of the rows. Christina ran after Buddy and Francis ran after Christina as fast as he could. Unfortunately, this was not yet very fast.

When the lawyer caught up to his pet and the waitress, his eyes widened as he was surprised yet again. In a rapid turn of events, Christina was being uncomfortably held at swordpoint by a man who Francis did not know personally and did not see at first. Christina’s captor was dressed completely in black save for a slit for his eyes.

“Ah! Ninja.”

“Ah! Big Boy!”

“What are you doing here!”

“I could ask you the same question, Big Boy.”

“Well, I suppose you could.”

“Well then, what are you doing here?”

Damn fell for that again!

“I was investigating.”

“Oh. Who’s this tart!” asked the ninja.

“Tart server!” interjected Christina.

“The tart has nothing to do with this let her go!”

“Hey!”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to call you a tart, just caught up in the moment. You’re not a tart.”

“Oh thanks.”

“Why did you try to kill me the other day?”

“You are working on a court case now about spilling into Lake Langston?”

“No,” lied Francis.

“It was not a question!”

“Oh, well then yes.”

“You must not win the case! You’re client, is a bad bad bad company. They are turning Lake Langston into a sewer!”

“That’s what this is about?”

“Yes.”

“Excuse me, could you put away the sword?” asked the waitress.

“No!” shouted both the men.

“Sorry, yes I mean. Put away the sword.” said Francis.

“Not before you agree to drop the case.”

“Alright done!”

“I warn you, we will follow up on you. You drop that case.”

“If I don’t?”

“You will find yourself at the wrong end of my sword!”

The man dressed in black then motioned to the waitress that she could go. She joined the lawyer on the other side of the imaginary line that divided the parties. As the parties turned to head home, the ninja became aware of what Buddy had been doing the entire time. Buddy was now chewing on part of an immediately previously and unprofessionally exhumed skeleton. The ninja tried to shoo away the golden retriever waving his sword at it and then something happened that would be terrible for everybody. The blade of his sword became wedged in an extremely thin cut in the skull of the skeleton like Cinderella’s foot in a glass slipper. The lawyer, the waitress, the ninja and the dog all held their breath for a moment before all hell broke loose.

The ninja became aware that everyone had just been made aware of his being a murderer. He then became resolved to stop the witnesses from escaping. Christina became aware that she was in danger and ran away. Francis became aware he was in danger and after the girl he liked left, he decided to act. Like the bravest of monkeys, he reached into his own underpants and picked out the excrement he had deposited when the waitress had scared him with her innocent hello, and he flung it at the ninja and started to run after Christina. The ninja let out a piercing scream of disgust and anguish and then reached into his pants and produced a pistol. Buddy became aware that his master was in danger and decided to fulfill his calling as a Lawyer Protectorate biting the ninja at the wrist and then running after Francis. The ninja took aim and fired towards the lawyer and then ran away realizing they were still unaware of his identity.

As Francis reached the exit of Jerry Dairy Cemetery, he found Christina waiting for him worried as can be.

“I’m so sorry,” started the lawyer as he wiped his hand in the grass.

“It’s not your fault. Where’s your dog?”

The pair heard a whimper and Buddy emerged from the cemetery limping. He came to his master’s feet and collapsed to the ground.

“Buddy!”

The pet had passed on.



EPILOGUE

The air of the summer night was especially warm because of the heat of the fire and the bodies dancing. Among the three people, Francis Bacon danced in full Indian clothing next to Tin who unlike Francis was thoroughly enjoying herself. The dancers formed a circle around the bonfire and on one side of the fire was a mound of earth. On the other side of the mound, an Indian chief chanted towards to the sky. The Chief held a sheet in his hands and occasionally glanced down at it. He wore brown moccasins and robes with frills which fell to his ankles. Upon his head was a full headdress.

As the chief chanted, the sky began to thunder. The wind picked up and quickly became violent to the point of whipping the tops of trees back and forth. The chief reached into his robes and took out a small vial from inside them. He uncorked the vial and poured a viscous liquid onto the mound of earth at his feet. He then motioned for Tin and Francis to cease dancing which they did. As if complicit, the wind and thundering also stopped.

Then, the three who formed the circle watched in astonishment as the ground surrounding the mound of earth cracked open and the earth on top of the mound slid into the cracks. The earth kept falling into the cracks until finally, the body of Buddy Bacon came into view. Nor Francis, nor Tin nor the chief breathed.

Suddenly, they all screamed at the top of their lungs as Buddy sprang up and shook the dirt off of his coat.

Finally, Francis spoke.

“Oh my God! I can’t believe that worked. I bought the whole kit online!”

“Wow,” said Tin and the chief together.

“Thanks for playing the part of the chief, Carl.”

“Yeah,” replied Carl.

Then the phone inside rang and Francis Bacon ran inside his house from the back door.

“Good Evening. Mystery is History; How may I help you?”